Dedicated to the guy who sent me 29 messages entitled “How much do you squat, moron?”

I was sitting at my desk, eating acne inducing food when suddenly something in me broke, and I gave up all resistance. “This is it. I am going to the gym. I want to get big.”

“This is it. I am going to the gym. I want to get big.”

I got ready in 10 minutes and headed towards a local fitness & health club that I knew from my days as a courier.

The place was still working. I paid for one workout and went towards the locker room. I felt shivers down my spine. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My muscles were finally going to become extraordinary.

There was a problem, however. I forgot to take clean training shoes with me – an explicit requirement of the facility. I didn’t want to argue with the manager because he had bad teeth, and the chemical reactions taking place in his mouth were producing an odor that even the so-called professional chewing gums sitting on his desk were unable to fix. Thankfully, I was already educated on the subject and knew what to do – go barefoot.

The second I stepped on the gym floor, I realized that even the street outside was cleaner than the underground metal storage I was in, but it didn’t matter. I was on a mission. My adrenaline was escalating. I was getting closer and closer to my dream – big muscles. This crazy morning was special, and nobody was going to save the weights from my anger. Epic 40 kilos squats were incoming.

On that day, I touched a barbell for the first time in my life. It was rusty, but it felt nice to me. I could feel strength transferring into my arms. I didn’t have a set routine but decided to do some squats, followed by overhead presses and deadlifts. I put the iron on my back and started bending my knees.

I was surrounded by two losers toying with stupid stuff like walking lunges and biceps curls on an incline bench.

“Unaware morons who don’t know what they are doing,” I said to myself.

I decided to stick with the classics – 5 sets of 5.

Every second of every rep was getting me closer and closer to the functional muscle that everybody is talking about on the Internet. I was very serious this time. No retreat!

I had no idea that I was going to become a squat lunatic, but it happened.

The next time I brought a silent helper – a cheap keychain camera. I used it to record some of my initial training sessions. I still have those videos stored on an old hard drive.

I dedicated close to 18 months to squats and about 10 to pure hardcore bulking. In return, I received an injured hip and a fat waist. The whole “grow like a flower” thing did not happen for me, and even my legs remained pretty small despite playing the role of a truck’s suspension for so long. This is when it hit me – there’s a squat conspiracy. I got played by the squat mafia.

As a result, I started doing my own analysis and came up with a set of questions that needed an urgent explanation.

The answers that I have prepared are neck breaking and could potentially make members of the squat cult mad enough to destroy their monitors or iPhones down to atomic nuclei.

Question 1

The Squat – a Modern Form Of Medieval Torture Or an Otherworldly Mass Builder?

While my personal experience indicates that squatting is a form medieval torture which has been preserved to this day due to people’s inability to think critically and see through the hype, I know that there is more to the story. Just because it didn’t happen for me, it doesn’t mean that others can’t take advantage.

I looked around for people who love squatting and enjoy great leg development from it. Ironically, most lifters who satisfy these criteria are hobbits. In their kingdom, the squat is a king and rightfully so. Those guys can stay upright when they squat thanks to their long torsos and short legs. As a result, their squats look like squats, not bitch bends. I can see why the hobbits have been admiring the squat for so many centuries. I guess it’s one of those things that soften the drama of being as tall as a car.

Question 2

Does the squat release more testosterone and growth hormone than reverse wrist curls?

The fitness gurus (most of them are hobbits by the way) love to use excerpts of muscle building studies to make their collages. It’s most likely true that squats cause some testosterone spikes here and there, but the amount is too low to make a difference.

It’s most likely true that squats cause some testosterone spikes here and there, but the amount is too low to make a difference.

For many years, I have been interested in the following study – Squats vs. Reverse Wrist Curls.

Unfortunately, it is yet to happen, but I have prepared basic guidelines for people interested in conducting a similar experiment.

1.Separate men of similar age into two groups.
2.One of the groups does heavy barbell squats, the other wrist curls with a bottle of juice.
3.Evaluate the testosterone levels of both groups.

I doubt that the squatters will report testosterone levels that would shame the wrist curlers. If you want the experimentation to be really precise, you can use twins and put each one in a separate group.

Question 3

What about the hip flexors?

How can you call your legs strong when your hip flexors are so weak that you can’t lift your legs like Jet Li does in the video below.

The people who worship the squat rarely talk about this phenomenon. That’s because those guys are racists disrespecting the hip flexors. They consider those muscles unimportant and faggy.

Luckily, there’s a simple way to fix this issue – reverse squats.

Many experienced powerlifters cannot do a single reverse squat below parallel. Most do them like the man in the clip below.

One thing is certain – reverse squats are a challenge designed for real men. Rumor has it that 5×5 reverse squats are head exploders. All the blood goes into your head, the pressure elevates, and your skull explodes.

I’ve never done those and don’t plan to because I am scared to death. Nevertheless, I am not afraid, to tell the truth. I don’t really want my eyes to be popping out.

I wish the hobbits had the courage to admit that the reverse squat is way tougher than the regular blood in the legs version.

Question 4

Big & Strong or Fat & Weak?

Many natural squatters need to rethink their vocabulary. They love reminding us that milk and squats have made them big and strong, but all I see are fat weaklings who can barely squat 1.5 times their bodyweight for 5 reps. Ironically, when you weigh 120kg, that’s about 180 kg which may seem like a lot, but in reality, it’s not.

Below I have translated properly a few phrases part of the doublespeak used by most squat preachers and their students:

get big and strong = get fat and weak

real men squat = guys squat to feel like real men

squats and milk = bitch bends and stomach problems

low bar squats = low bitch bends

Question 5

How does it feel when nobody (except fat and angry men with goatees) cares how much you squat?

Normally, we should not be preoccupied with the opinion of others. If you want to squat with hands in the pockets, do it. You are free. Nonetheless, I know very well that secretly many squat addicts are seeking admiration. They want to feel superior and in charge. “Look at my gut! I squat!”

That’s why those guys are heavily disappointed when the general population is unimpressed by their performance.

“I squat 400 pounds/180 kg. I am a useful human being,” said Mr. BulkingHobbit.

“You do what,” asked the girl in daisy dukes.

“I put a barbell weighing 180kg on my back, bend my legs and stand back up again. What’s so hard to understand”

“Ah, you are one of those powerbulkers?”

“You mean powerlifters?”

“Yeah. That.”

“Wanna touch my fat gut? I am now a useful human being. Harder to kill too.”

“Not in the mood,” said the girl and looked towards a skinny teenager who was weak and benching just the bar.

I guess the fact that the young boy was not scheduled to deliver in 3 weeks was a crucial factor in her choice.

“This shallow bitch doesn’t get it. I am tired of meeting girls who don’t understand that strength is the most important thing in the world. If they only knew how hard it is to eat all those cakes and drink all that milk….” thought Mr.BulkingHobbit.

Question 6

Is it so hard to understand that the squat is just an exercise?

There is an enormous amount of people who are smart in a field and yet lose their brains when fitness gurus with mesmerizing gravelly voices start talking about squats and barbell porn in general. The mouths open in amazement and all coherent thought evaporates as soon as the fitness guru starts using the classic catch phrases “shut up and squat”, “motherfuckers”, “real men”.

One could say that this was the case with me too, but it didn’t take me that much time to realize how ridiculously stupid the squat entities are.

The squat is just an exercise. Other methods can produce similar results.

Final question

Is the squat effective for muscle building or just an ego booster for hobbits?

The squat is effective, but only if you are built for it which happens to be the case for most hobbits. If you are not one of them, you may have to change things accordingly.