I wish I knew this before…
One of my biggest rookie mistakes in the painful labyrinth known as dating is believing the idea that one must actively try to change the circumstances…
It took me a while to realize that this is nonsense for the most part, and I adjusted my strategy to something a lot more resource-friendly.
First, let’s lay down the foundation.
It’s 100% natural to think, at least at first, that a date is some sort of exam/test where your performance decides everything and the teacher lets you pass.
But in reality, it’s not so much about what you do but who you already are. As long as your behavior is not on the ultra-end of some spectrum, it is not the deciding factor.
Proof? Try to be a nice guy and see what happens. Then try to be the bad boy and analyze the outcomes again.
Chances are they are going to be random. And neither of the behavioral patterns guarantees a positive result.
This is something that you won’t hear every day and isn’t present in the manuals of hope sellers. That’s because they have an incentive to make you believe that any man can be with a hot woman if he knows the right steps and behaves appropriately. And of course, they have a 2k course to sell.
I learned the hard way that dates are predetermined games. The outcome is known before the game’s start.
And 99% of the factors that decide it are not in your control during the date. You can influence them beforehand (e.g., losing weight to become more attractive), but during the date, you can’t do much.
Here is a list of the factors that will determine the outcome:
Looks
This goes for both of you. Are you satisfying the looks requirement of each other? (Were the photos legit? lol)
Intentions
Do your intentions align? For instance, if you meet a girl looking for a rebound guy whereas you want to have a long-term relationship, it’s mostly game over as your intentions do not align. Deviations do occur, but statistical errors don’t matter.
Your/Hers Competition
You can’t influence your competition. If tomorrow she finds a guy who’s above you in the secular stats that this world is obsessed with, how are you going to stop her from going for the better deal?
And the same applies to you, albeit less often. If tomorrow you meet a woman who is hotter and has a better attitude (faster replies, more respect, less gold-digging), you will abandon the previous date.
Life Events
You have no control over the events that will happen in her (or your) life after the date. If, for instance, she gets a scholarship for another city, how are you going to stop her from going there?
Ultimately, the state near the date decides everything.
Once you learn that, a weight is lifted off your shoulders.
And this is why I began to behave like water.
One of water’s main qualities is that it doesn’t exactly fight (although it can damage things). It just flows and changes its shape depending on the circumstances. (You’ve all heard the Bruce Lee quote).
When I go on a date, I don’t think about how I should behave to get a positive outcome.
I don’t do anything to be liked. I don’t try to impress her. I am just in a neutral state. I don’t try to win a battle as there is no battle other than protecting yourself and not lying to yourself.
But I am not 100% passive. I am quietly but actively looking for the state that she is in. I want to determine who she is and how she feels about me and the whole world. But whatever I find, I don’t try to change. It is what it is. And there is no point in creating resistance as it will simply amplify more of whatever you are already fighting.
If she doesn’t like me, trying to make her like me will result in a bigger dislike.
If I don’t agree with her philosophical views, creating an argument will simply further the disagreement.
I don’t change people. I am nobody to do that. Life will do that job for you anyway.
I also don’t ask questions. The more questions you ask, the less people will tell you. The quieter you become, the more they talk and the more you learn. If you remain quiet long enough, they will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know.
I am just water surrounding the surroundings. Nothing more nothing less.
One can wrongfully conclude that water is spineless. Technically, it is. It doesn’t have a skeleton.
But it’s not spineless in a metaphorical sense. It may be maneuvering around different objects, but those objects don’t own it. They can contain it. They can restrain it, but they can’t kill it.
Or in other words, this isn’t a strategy where you always agree in silence. If you don’t want to go somewhere or do something, you just don’t. You manneuvre yourself out of the situation – like water finding a small crack through which to pass and continue flowing.
Let’s give an example as they are always worth more than 1000 words of explanation.
One time we passed by a perfectly fine coffee shop. It was raining and going in was a good option. But the woman that I was with refused as she “can’t drink milk”. This was just an excuse of course. It’s not like the only thing they serve there is milk…
We continued walking down the street. And she offered to go to what appeared to be a super expensive restaurant. And honestly, I hate restaurants for first dates. Why? Because I know that in most cases, I will never see the woman ever again whether I go to a 5-star restaurant or buy her coffee from a vending machine. So, why should I close myself in a restaurant and fry my CPU even more?
Wait for the menus…then order some overpriced nonsense…listen to an hour of philosophical nonsense…fatigue my peripherals analyzing the surroundings….then the silent fight about who’s gonna pay…
Sorry. I am old now. My brain is fried. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. So, I politely said that I was not hungry and softly with zero aggression continued walking like water flowing around an obstacle. She had no choice but to follow.
After the date, I drove her close to where she was allegedly living since we were headed in the same direction.
A few days later, I received an ultra-long paragraph from her that I didn’t even read fully. I just scanned it, but even that was too much effort as whenever women send you long paragraphs it’s either to insult you and tell you how little you are doing for them or to reduce their guilt for rejecting you for no apparent reason.
As you can guess, in my case, it was the second option. I swiped it off my screen and we never spoke to each other ever again.
One can think that if I’d complied and gone to the restaurant, the outcome would’ve been different, but that’s nonsense, friends. How do I know that? I’ve done it.
And I no longer do any of that. I’ve earned that state of flowing numbness with pain and time…I’ve given pieces of my soul for it. Pieces that are never coming back.
Whoever wants to play the game, can certainly do it. But you won’t see me on the frontline. I am the calm stream now.
Hit the nail on the head with this. You cant buy love or passion. If she likes you it doesnt matter if you take her to a Michelin star restaurant or the local coffee shop on the first date. She’ll be glad to do anything with you. And vice versa of course. Be wary of people who suggest expensive options for first dates whether youre a man or woman.
You oftentimes wrote that you end your first dates rather sooner than later. But what if the date would go really well? Would you still under no circumstances invite her back to your place?
Inviting her to your place implies sex even if that’s not the actual intent, and you simply want to show her your Lego collection. Since I don’t have sex on first dates, I don’t invite women home.
But if that’s your main goal with any date, you have to do it. Why? Because you will probably never see her again REGARDLESS of anything.
The highest chances that you will have with a woman is on the day you meet her. And since that day may never repeat, you can do it.
I don’t think you can say anything that makes her more attracted to you but certainly you can mess things up even if initial attraction is there.
I think that’s why Truth is a proponent of a “less is more” approach to dating.
The more you talk or try to impress a woman in an early phase, the higher the risk of making a fool out of yourself. Unless you have a silver tongue and charismatic body language, talking too much and not seeking action (not necessarily sex, but other activities) is one of the easiest ways to kill attraction and fall into a friendzone.
Reading your essays makes me sad for all the lonely and disillusioned men in the West (US and Canada). There are huge problems in your societies. I live in a small Southeast European Country. Though we experience to some extent almost everything any western society is going through, we are still pretty closed and moderately conservative. Divorce rate is the lowest in Europe. Young people enter romantic relations. Now I’m a 40+ divorcee. Pretty short – 5,7 and average looking (5/10 on a sunny day) with pretty low salary. Yet I dated constantly after divorce. Nice, beautiful girls. Recently met a gorgeous gal and I hope it’s gonna be long and stable. I’ve never ever experienced anything you describe in your opus. Staying together is an issue (women do change their minds and sometimes find someone better, and sometimes I f**k it up) but finding a date and successfully getting through it was never ever a problem. Once again – culture is everything man. Catholic conservatives seem to have it a bit better. For now.
Agree. Context is everything.
If you don’t mind to share it, what country are you living in? TruthSeeker’s homeland is in Southeast Europe too if I’m not mistaken, but I’m not sure if he still lives there or moved to another country.
Like you say, I believe the dating situation is especially bad in English speaking countries and other 1st World nations heavily influenced by US “progressive” trends (neofeminism, wokism, etc), which is sadly most of Western Europe. In most of them the risks of dating or marriage outweigh the potential benefits.
Croatia.
Kad sam bio u Hrvatskoj prošle godine, nije me se činilo puno drugačije od ostalih zemalja zapadne evrope. Svaka treća osoba je pokrivena tetovažama. Možda je tako samo u Zagrebu? Inače ako vam je bolja situacija sada, neće dugo ostati. U Bosni mi se činilo malo normalnije ali sigurno i njima će dolaziti zlatni zapadni “progres”.
I am a ch@dlet. Triple digit slaycount.
Even I struggle with my height (5’5).
When I say ch@d I’m not fucking with you, put my face next to prime Depp it’s easy hanging and next to prime Pitt in one woman’s words “you kind of make him look like the nice guy.”
I’ve done all things ch@d has done….but the quantity is less. The quality probably slightly too.
Why am I here then? Because ever since I read A brave new world and discovered the character Bernard (an A+ who accidentally was stunted in growth)….I began to just notice cracks in reality. For me and perhaps for any handsome short man….you become like a bitch about your weight. 20% body fat may cover those cheekbones and plump the jaw. Every point over an in youth natural 10-11% (athletics) brings about a direct decrease in attention from the opposite sex.
Normal chad doesn’t experience this. He can plump up because he has no big flaw. The big flaw means that your other strengths must be flawless.
Women get off on power. Men get off on power. When you have a face that can spellbind a woman it’s hard not to. So life as a chadlet is as life as a Greek hero. Not quite a God but not a mere mortal.
And if you are a chadlet you have a tough tough choice. Either be king of the losers or “the beta chad.”
My thoughts on this first date stuff (assuming for whatever reason you can’t talk them into letting u stop by — that always worked better for me btw….going to her place not inviting her to yours)
Its all very good!
My only thing is I’m attempting to kiss the woman within 5 minutes. No need to wait until the end. Come in as a ball of energy, flash a grin, make some stupid joke, then look at her as if thinking then deliberating then saying “yeah we should just….let’s just get it out of the way….”
If she balks she’s a dead fish…get up and leave.
Also you should stack first dates. I used to do 4/5 a nite. Only 2 are going to show up for sure (women are just flaky…even for ch@d – literally have seen some of the best looking charismatic men get flaked on by let’s just say “not supermodels.”).
Ultimately tho when you get your rotation or your gf there is only one lesson: you die by your lie. The lie is your persona.
You NEVER EVER COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY WITH WOMEN. Just adopt a stupid James bond (or whatever cool dude emulation) persona and interface with them like that. Never break character.
Learn how to use your looks and your voice to say things. Learn what expressions women respond to. Now if you’re gl and get attention you get this practice a lot.
But if a woman finds you physically attractive you need to practice on her.
YOUR WORDS WILL ONLY EVER CONFUZE AND FRITEN HER. HER GOOD FEELINGS COME FROM LOOKING AT YOU AND LISTENING TO YOU.
Example: (gf goes on about dumb girl shit she did that day)
You: (don’t bother listening to that stupid shit FOCUS ALWAYS ON THE PERSONA. look over, give her that specific warm smile she likes and say in that deep, honey inviting timbre) “sounds like you had a go of it.”
Mission accomplished.
YOU ARE JUST A GAME OF FUCKING PS3 OR XBOX TO WOMEN YOU ARE AN NPC. Maybe an epic npc but still an npc. Adopt your persona make it badass, never break character around women. And they’ll get way easier.
Hope I helped
It’s funny how a lot of men get so obsessed about height, frame and face, but completely ignore voice and body language. They can be a huge deal breaker in dating even if you have good looks.
I actually struggle more with those due to a particular condition that makes me “stiffer” than an average person, so I usually come accross as awkward and potentially creepy (especially to women) despite having a decent face and body.
2-5 dates per night? Pretending to be some stupid persona the entire time? Trying to kiss a complete stranger within 5 minutes of meeting them? The only thing epic here is the waste of your life doing this stupid crap.
How about instead of worrying about your “slay” count you find someone that actually interests you? Maybe it will be 1 per month instead of 5 per day. Be open and honest about how you feel about them/life/politics/religion/sport/work/etc and if they don’t like you, fine. If they do, great. Not much you can do about it anyway.
Truth’s article is good. Don’t waste your time texting or going to fancy restaurants with strangers or trying to change people’s minds or playing other pointless games. You’re effectively doing the exact opposite.
Look dude u obviously don’t have enough experience with women to understand why your incredulity makes you sound 12.
THERE IS NO OTHER EFFECTIVE WAY to deal with women.
You gonna “be authentic” and reveal your flaws and insecurities and soft side? Lmk how it works out. You gonna “reason” with a socially stunted adult child that an entire army of social constructions and norms protect? Sure Billy badass.
Wtf is the rest of your shit talking about?
Do you NOT FUCKING GET HOW WOMEN WORK?
THEY ALL CAN BE VERY INTERESTING ONCE ATTACHED.
“Being honest” with your feelings about any intellectual/serious matter IS ALSO RETARDED. Women ARE NOT ON THAT LEVEL DUDE. You are talking with [mainstream opinion about x].
I agreed with Truth’s article. The entire point of my advice IS EFFICIENCY. None of your advice is efficient and will just result in stupid interactions
Socially stunted adult child. What a good description.
With all my experience which is not that much as yours I have observed that women don’t even have 50% of men’s emotional depth.
Croatia
Why I guy wants a girl
1. Sex (only think of you and manipulate your subjects to get what you want)
2. Relationship (take care of your side of the street and not taking your partners feelings/behavior personally aka not using it as an excuse to be an ashole)
I am 11yrs into a Marriage and we have a toddler boy
I am 50 and have been married for 15 years. Until I got married I dated a bit and was never particularly successful with women. I also smoked alot of pot which had all but destroyed my confidence in social settings. Once I sorted myself out I found my wife fairly quickly using eharmony. But I am also a Christian and I think this provides a large benefit to those of a certain age chasing a partner. That is because it takes political beliefs somewhat out of the equation- you already know that if the woman you are dating is a practising Christian she is probably conservative (although there’s no guarantees these days). I couldn’t think of anything worse than endlessly dating ideologically possessed woman after woman until I found one that had similar beliefs to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I think having matching political and social viewpoints is incredibly important for a lasting relationship.
These posts are great. Very accurate but also incredibly depressing. I despair for my children who are 8 and 12. Good women seem very thin on the ground. I can see the merit of what the Indians do where the marriage is arranged, but a huge amount of thought has gone into the match.
Great article. Apparently we are in the same stage and same boat. I would say I’m a “pro” now, but unfortunately this comes with lots of bad experiences and time wasted (and money as well). Probably not everyone has such a long learning curve like me, but…better learn later than never :))
Great advise, also worth applying for 99% of life problems
Nice article. I did notice a couple of spelling mistakes, if you’d like me to proofread these articles I’ll be happy to help (it wouldn’t be for money, unless you wanted to pay of course)
Yep,nothing much to say here.
I was deliberately unattractive with some women ( a single mom, a fat psycopath one, etc) by talking about anime, videogames, being without money… and yet those women doesnt seem to mind.
With other women, i just was smooth as i could, and all i got was explanations, sudden changes, and cold treatment ( “oh, i cant, because my brother….”, or when a woman just read her cell and suddenly she said goodbye and left smiling, and days later i heard she dated another one who made her happy)
Finally, some rookie mistakes i could avoid and got a not so different story. When younger, i had the energy to try change the outcome. Now, for good or bad, i dont. Maybe its the testosterone levels, maybe i am mature enough. Probably both, but most likely its the testosterone levels.
As a mandatory disclaimer, if you don’t want to be a stupid asshole, don’t do what I did and don’t go and hurt people’s feelings.
I used to be in a long relationship when I was still very young. When things went sideways, I found myself being single in my late twenties. At the time I was still easily taking bad influences from different sources and acting upon those. One of those influences was the book “Women” by Charels Bukowski, which I reread back then. I don’t really know why, but the book made me to do this list about different kind of women with different attributes. So as an example, a young woman, an old woman, woman with big tits, woman with small tits, and so on. You get the stupid idea.
I thought as a single that I would go through that list, and “conquer” as many types of women as I could. By conquering, I meant spending good time and having sex with them. And I didn’t want to be attached to any deeper level or to seek long term relationships. Just to have fun. Yes, I was a bad person, and I was a stupid person. If I could go back and not do it, I would. Of course I would still meet women, but in a much more respectful way.
It turned out that it was very hard to not get attached on any level. I always made clear to the women I met that I wasn’t after a relationship. I just wanted to have a good time; no strings attached. But there was always a little deeper connection. In my case at the time, the women I met wanted more. And when deeper emotions got into the mix, I started to feel sorry and then it was very difficult for me to end the relationship. Which wasn’t supposed to be a relationship in the first place.
And no, I didn’t get to the end of the list. I conquered (what a stupid term) a few, had a woman with big tits that turned out to be fake tits. Had a woman ten years younger than me. Had an athletic one. Had a chance to have sex with a woman that was 30 years older than me, but that one I cancelled on the last minute. I was able to bang my old crush from school, which was very cool, and we managed to not mix too deep emotions into it. And I banged a few more. Funnily enough, this was almost twenty years ago. Facebook was already a thing, and most of the women I met there. I think I only met one woman in real life and that was in a bar.
I’ve now been married for over a decade. I wish I could say that marriage or relationships are easy, but often they’re not. Still, after I’ve read this site’s articles for a decade or so, and after seeing all the comments about dating nowadays, I consider myself very lucky to be married. I wouldn’t be able to get into any kind of relationship today. I think my only chance would be if some woman has a list of men that she is trying to “conquer”, and one of those has the following attributes, middle aged, bald, married, has a kid and is in a dead-end job and depressed.
I can thank you enough for the comments, Sam. Seriously. They are coming from the soul. True. Honest and Insightful.
Ironically or not, this specific comment and your partially complete list are an example of what is known as a true intent.
When you have a true intent to do something, you maximize your chances of getting it. (Still zero guarantees – this isn’t the Secret – lol)
What I mean is, you set a goal and backed it with action (intent = desire + action) and it worked. You wouldn’t do it again and that’s fine. But the point here is the principle. When we have real intent we get closer to a goal (noble or not). When we don’t, we float.
You’re 100% right and this is something I’ve thought a lot about my “experiment”. Talking about the Secret, when I was young, I had this self-help phase. I think it’s one of those universal laws that if you’re a junkie in that field for some time, you’re about to come across Tony Robbins. Without going too deep with his shenanigans, one of the things he talked about a lot was of course setting and achieving goals.
As a naïve kid who still believed in Disney princesses and true love, I was able to grasp some of his ideas about the topic, but I found one of his example’s kind of offensive. He told how he’d applied goal setting to find his dream woman, and that I couldn’t agree with. I thought you can’t “force” that stuff and you just must bump into that right person.
As I said, later in my life I’ve changed, and my opinions have changed. This takes me back to my list, and frankly I don’t think it was that bad of a thing really. If I didn’t have any goal at the time, I would have just floated, and I probably wouldn’t even remember much of that period. And it’s possible that I’d have hurt mine or someone else’s feelings a lot more than I did with my stupid list, because without it I would’ve been completely clueless about what I was doing or what I was going to do with my dating thing .
I also used to think that the saying “it’s not about the end result, it’s about the journey” was for pussies that didn’t follow through with their goals. But it really is about the journey and the end results seem to always change anyway. Although I’m not proud of my list, I still think about that period in a very positive light. I had a lot of fun with each woman I met, and I respected them all, still do. And I’m not only talking about sex and their physical attributes.
Goals drive you, even though how stupid or small they are. For many people, getting out of bed may be an obvious thing in life, but for a severely depressed person that can be the starting point, the only goal for the day. People often blame me for not remembering things that have happened in the past. But now that I think of it, times that I do remember are often times when I’ve had a goal or goals that I was after. So, goals do seem to give more meaning to life.
No bro there wasn’t a deeper connection. Women just manipulate men into thinking there is one.
You must understand as a man why the age old advice has been to not give 2 shits about women. Nothing is real or permanent. She just feels a certain way right now. You need to abandon all thoughts of anything else.
You will become much more effective.
As a man you must understand that from cradle to grave you are alone. Take it to heart. Accept that no love in the sense you’re wanting is coming. Then you can function correctly.
You weren’t a bad person you had the right idea.
It’s hard to deny the foundation of what Chadlet is saying, since most things with women (and you can see this biologically in their periods in the short term, and stage of life in the longer term) is conditional. There are a few exceptions, but they are VERY RARE (godly women, since they reflect on God, our Father).
In this day and age, with the options of women, this part of their nature has been injected with steroids. While it won’t last that much longer, it’ll continue and for our lives or part, that’s all that matters.
My question to all of you is what you consider to be intent on going to OTHER COUNTRIES, which are the only ones I see that have any promise. Why? The cultures there and lack of monetary options can, at least to a major degree or better than the west, keep women in check. As Professor Truth said, context is nearly everything. I found the guy that mentioned that he was from Croatia and had zero problems with getting women, dates, interest, etc funny because that exposed the context for being obvious and true. Serbo-Croat countries have good looking, traditional women. Yes, they are still women, but the headaches are less, not unending as in the “west”.
Personally, I don’t plan to travel abroad for many reasons not related to women.
As to EE countries – it’s really all the same as in the West, just to a smaller degree.
I am not clear about this approach. Where is the line between “being like water” and being passive. It is not easy to find the boundary line. “Being like water” easily leads to disinterest.