Disclaimer: The text below is based on my experience. Some people will naturally disagree, and that’s perfectly fine. Some may even find it sociopathic. That’s ok too. We are not on Reddit or whatever. It’s my site. I write the way I want here.
I have developed the following set of rules for first dates:
1. Protect yourself
This is the number one rule and is expressed in several different layers.
The first one is physical safety. Women tend to think that a “guy has nothing to worry about” when going on a date. I’ve been told that to my face. They believe that only a woman can get hurt.
I disagree strongly. Of course, women can get hurt but so can a man.
What if she has a weapon? A gun doesn’t discriminate.
What if you schedule a date with a girl only to get attacked by three men when you arrive there? What are you going to do? Rambo your way out? Let’s be serious.
What if the girl puts something in your drink? I am not joking. This can happen.
What if the girl is very hot, invites you over, and there you get robbed or much worse?
NEVER forget that being a man does not make you invulnerable like women believe.
Here are some basic guidelines:
- Make sure that you aren’t talking to fake people. If the information that you have is not sufficient, demand more. If they refuse, bounce.
- Never agree to meet in some weird neighborhood no matter how horny you are. (Break the no-fap streak if that’s what’s necessary to think straight again.)
- Do not agree to weird offers. (I will leave that to your imagination.)
- Arrive early and examine the perimeter. Is the location being monitored by weird people?
The second point of defense is your hard-earned money. There’s nothing wrong with investing money into your wife or long-term girlfriend.
But if it’s a first date, you owe her nothing despite what the alpha-wannabes will say. (“Oh…you must pay because you invited her.”)
I guess that you don’t want to be the guy who pays 200 bucks for a nice dinner only to get ghosted, right? Well, here’s how to avoid that.
Don’t go to a dinner/lunch/brunch. Instead, go for a walk in the park (if the weather is nice) or to a café.
This alone eliminates a lot of financial burden.
If you 100% do not like the girl and/or she 100% does not like you, DO NOT pay for her stuff even if it’s just one basic coffee.
If the above conditions are met, and she “doesn’t make a move for her wallet”, pay only your half and leave. You didn’t sign a written contract that you should cover her part, did you? Then, you can leave.
If you like her but do not know 100% if she does or does not reciprocate your feelings, then it’s fine to cover her part too. But if she makes a move for her wallet, let her pay for her stuff.
If you like her, but you know 100% that you will get ghosted afterward, DO NOT pay for her end.
I feel zero guilt teaching you this for the following reason – in 99% of the cases, there won’t be a second date whether you pay or not.
That’s a mega fact.
Plenty of guys spend tons of money on a first date only to get humiliated. In some cases, women even brag about how much they’ve extracted from you.
Bonus Tip: Before the date, make sure that you have all kinds of bill denominations and some coins. Why? You want to be flexible in case you have to do some math when paying.
The above could make me sound cheap, but I don’t care. I’ve experienced my fair share of first-date exploitation. I’m hardened. Complain to someone who would listen.
Ultimately, it’s not about the money. It’s about principles.
Time & Energy
Another asset that you have to protect is your time and energy. Both are connected. Time without energy is nothing and so is energy without time.
The principle below has proven 100% true in my life. I stay behind it:
A long date DOES NOT equal a second date.
I can give you examples from my life but want this article to be short.
I repeat: A long date DOES NOT equal a second date.
You can have a 3-hour date with a woman filled with laughter and pleasantries and yet still get ghosted.
I make it my mission to end the date before she does. If she ends the date first, it means I stayed too long.
The more you stay, the more time you waste and the less mysterious you appear. You don’t want her to get tired of you on the first date.
So, what do I do?
I limit my first dates to 20 minutes. It’s a bit extreme, but it’s enough time to learn about her and for her to learn about me. (If you’re going to a coffee shop, the walk to the establishment is not included in those 20 minutes.)
If she likes me and I like her, we can always go on another date. Remember – this is supposed to be the beginning. If all is well, you will see her soon anyway.
2. Be Strategically Passive During The First Half of The Date
During the initial phase, I try to remain calm and collected. My goal is to determine how she feels about me from the get-go.
I don’t try to immediately impress her or depress her by being negative. I just stay in the middle and observe calmly.
You get better with time. The key is to remain calm. Do not feel guilty that you aren’t fully on. Just keep the small talk small and observe.
As the saying goes, the quieter you become, the more you can hear.
If she is giving you too much heat, don’t ignore it.
I don’t subscribe to the idea that one can change a woman’s mind with words and basic tricks.
If she inherently does not like you, there is little you can do. In other words, the vast majority of attraction is pre-determined.
You can amplify it slightly with the right behavior but never create it. It’s either there or it isn’t for the most part.
If I detect that she does not like me, I simply end the date softly. (e.g., “I have to meet some colleagues later…etc.”)
How do you know that she doesn’t like you?
1. Observe her body language.
If she is not walking calmly next to you and is “speeding”, she is not feeling it and wants to get away from you.
Ideally, she will be walking right next to you, matching your pace. If she is rushing, something is off.
To the outside world, you should appear comfortable together.
Make eye contact with her periodically and observe her reaction. If she likes you, you will find softness in her face. If she doesn’t, you will see her muscles move unnaturally (she is trying to hide a negative grimace.)
2. Constant tests
When a woman is uncertain about you, she will start making claims meant to destabilize you.
For example, if she thinks that you are anti-social, she will ask questions such as “Where do you go with your friends?”.
If she is wondering whether your social status is high enough for her, she will ask questions such as “Can you drive a car?” which translates to “What kind of car do you drive?” to determine your social rank.
More questions of that nature equal lower interest and greater uncertainty. If she is into you, you will not feel under so much pressure.
Once I’ve determined how she feels about me, I simply end the date whether my findings are positive or not after 10 more minutes.
Sometimes a woman would seem somewhat irritated that I ended the date so quickly. However, that is never a negative.
If she is feeling positive about you, you will amplify her attraction by leaving her wanting more.
If she does not like you, then nothing matters anyway.
When should I reach back to her?
In my nicest phase, I would text her something like “Home?” right after the date to show interest.
Today, I no longer do that and see it as pointless and weak. Instead, I wait for 24-48 hours after the date and drop her a simple text.
Sometimes I may send her a photo related to one of my hobbies (the photo does not include me).
If she continues to express interest through text (i.e. asking questions about me), I will soon offer another date. If her replies are dry, short, and uninterested, I don’t bother to offer another date (no need to inflate her self-esteem).
If I have no desire to pursue her or know for a fact that she is too cold towards me, I simply block her.
I know that this may sound a bit too abrupt, but I have found out that blocking is better in the long run because you are no longer reminded of that person’s existence.
If you remain friends online, you will constantly see her. As a result, she will continue to occupy space in your brain that she does not deserve.
If she refuses to meet again regardless of my attraction estimates, I block her right away too.
I don’t say anything insulting. I simply block her. At first, blocking her will be painful, but in a day or two, you will feel better and know that you’ve made the right call.
FAQ: What if my goal is to have sex with her rather than a second date and a potential relationship?
I am not the biggest fan of casual sex for reasons that are out of this post’s scope.
But if that’s your goal, the standard behavior is to offer her to “watch movies” at hers or your place. By this point, everybody knows that “movies” are a code word for sex.
If she agrees, your chances of having sex with her are almost 100%.
However, keep in mind that even if she agrees to go home with you and the act happens, ghosting is still very likely.
I know that this sounds weird, but it is a fact. This happens because her decision is more than likely impulsive and tomorrow she may feel different about you and the entire situation.
I have no interest in dealing with women who have zero long-term interest in me, and thus I end my first dates without similar offers.
The only real indication that a woman has real interest in you would be future dates. If that’s not on the table, she never truly liked you.
Do not agree to go to a place that you don’t like. Ever.
You don’t have to wear expensive clothing, but your clothes have to be intact and clean. I recommend having a set of shoes/sneakers that you wear specifically for dates. A set of nice shoes can make a basic outfit look awesome. I like the look of white sneakers.
She will lie to you about many things. Do not take everything that she says for granted. For example, she may say “It would be lovely to meet you again!” and hug you after the date without ever intending to even talk to you anymore.
Do not fantasize too much about what you could’ve done differently if nothing comes out. I guarantee you 100%, that we often emphasized details that were never game-changers, to begin with.