I have approached more women than most men I know. Probably more than you too. The process was rather painful but also revealing. I learned a lot about the dynamics between men and women and, of course, about the world too as I always try to relate everything to the main mechanism.
My motivation was simple and straightforward – I wanted to find a girlfriend. I was tired of relying on online channels where men are disposable losers constantly treated as lesser than women. I wanted to change the battlefield and pressed log out.
The streets turned out to be very cold. Unsurprisingly, strangers do not like to be approached by strangers. People just want to follow their daily trajectories. When you insert yourself on their path without bringing a massive transactional value, the treatment that you receive is sub-zero.
I was on the verge of giving up. I had approached over 100 women without anything to show for it. Most of the reactions that I received showcased deep annoyance and lack of desire to communicate. In other words, my mission was headed towards an iceberg. This is when I met her.
One evening, tired from walking around the city, I decided to end the session and headed for the nearest bus station. On the bench, there was a girl that I liked. I sat next to her. As expected, she was looking at her phone and had trance written on her face.
I wanted to say something but didn’t know what exactly. The first thing the came to my mind was: “Are you addicted to your phone?” I scratched that thought and just stood there. A few minutes later, she put her smartphone in her bag.
This is when I dropped the line – “You look lost in your thoughts…”
[I know that this story is waking up many pick-up axioms within your brain but before unleashing wrath upon me wait for the finish.]
She looked at me and didn’t say anything for a second. I was like: “This is it. Another loss.” Then, suddenly, she smiled and asked: “Do I look lost in my thoughts to you?” with an intonation implying that our conversation should continue.
We talked a bit and got on the same bus. I asked for her contact info, and she gave it to me. That evening I felt like a kid again. She seemed way nicer than any of the women I had talked to online. “My hard work is finally paying off,” I said to myself with a heart full of joy.
The conversation with her was a breeze to maintain. Everything was natural, and I didn’t have to deploy any special tactics. There was no need for that. All my words were “working”.
We met the next day. It was the best date I have ever had. Being myself around this woman felt easier than talking to a friend. I didn’t even feel tested, although I was. I just didn’t let myself see at the time as it was too subtle.
I guess you expect me to finish by saying that we are getting married on New Year’s Eve, but there’s no happy end.
Two days after the date, I asked her out again. Her response: “TruthSeeker, I am not looking for a relationship right now. I don’t think I was even flirting with you anyway. I treated you the same way I treat everybody else.”
In order to refine my strategy and potentially find more success, I analyzed the experience.
Why did this approach work when a hundred others had failed?
What did I do differently?
Nothing except calibrating my opener a little bit. I opened with “you look lost in your thoughts” because she appeared that way.
Did I finally come from the right angle?
Haha. There isn’t a right angle.
Was I dressed “properly”?
I was wearing a red&black lumberjack shirt with short sleeves, light blue jeans and black boots. I also had a black backpack on my back. There was nothing extraordinary about my clothes. I was dressed similarly throughout the other approaches.
Maybe I finally said the right things?
What are those? I didn’t fall back on any pick-up voodoo that is supposed to give you girls.
Maybe I finally found the type I should go for during my approaches?
As I told you, I’d approached 100+ girls before her. The number is so high that it is hard for them to be the same type.
So, what did I do differently?
Nothing. She simply liked me, acted on her impulse and was available. ..for a day.
I continued to approach. Every time I had some sort of success, the same conclusions held true again. The positive reactions weren’t catalyzed by a mysterious line or a “relevant” haircut.
On a good day, everything was working. Even when my lines were subpar, the receptive women were still reacting positively. Conversely, in poor and tense situations even the greatest lines didn’t save me. On many occasions, I came up with responses that surprised even me with their humor, strength and manliness, but if she was having none of it, the access was denied no matter what.
If I have to describe the process with one word, it would be – gambling.
All the tailoring applied to my lines and peripherals such as clothes was as effective as dancing before pulling the lever of a slot machine. I had close to zero control on the outcome of an approach.
The frustration was real, but everything made perfect sense. The variables that I was adjusting were incapable of significantly affecting the end result. I was no different than a natural bodybuilder trying to get big by changing whey brands.
I approached an incredibly high number of women before coming to very important realizations.
Here they are.
The Filtering Effect
The pick-up scholars may lead you towards the belief that there is a single form that works in every situation, and that you should try to sculpt yourself accordingly. This is not true.
One quality attracts one type of women while pushing away others. Let’s say that you dress extremely well – a suit, expensive dress shoes, nice accessories. Some women will find that attractive. “He is so stylish.” Others will think that you are an overcompensating and insecure loser.
You can’t please them all so you might as well stop trying. There isn’t a key that works every single time.
The same applies to muscles – some women like roided bodybuilders; others don’t.
That’s the filtering effect for you. Once you understand it, catering to women becomes kinda pointless.
The pick-up community has an incentive to deny this truth, but it is a rule set in stone. They want you to think that you can become a man who appeals to every woman, but that mission is futile.
Looks and Availability Are The Most Crucial Factors For Your Success
The more attractive you are, the more girls want you. Simple, right? You can’t create that attraction through words because it’s biological. No amount of jokes or psychological warfare will turn a fat woman into a hot one. The sample applies to men.
She needs 1 second or less to know whether you do it for her on a physical level. Your opener and the following dialogue are initiating and finalizing the deal, but they are not the engine. You can amuse a woman with your “game”, but you cannot make her say yes if she hadn’t already done so on a subconscious level.
Tall, rich and handsome men have the best “game” in the eyes of women. Identical actions and words can have a very different interpretation. An attractive man approaching is proactive and brave. His opposite is creepy or weird at best.
The other most important factor is availability.
Many of the women that you are about to approach are already taken or simply not in the mood. Maybe she just got fired? Maybe she has important exams? You can’t know…
Therefore, even if you surpass her threshold of attractiveness, she may still reject you due to a situation that cannot include your persona regardless of your actions.
Does she have the courage to receive your approach?
Approaching a woman is damn hard, which is one of the reasons why most men don’t do it. When you add the high rejection rate, the stimulus disappears completely. Few comprehend, however, that the other side has a tough road ahead too.
Accepting an approach is difficult for the average woman. It takes a certain amount of courage to do it. Most women do not have it. The extent of this problem depends on how attractive you are and how available they are. The more they like you, the easier it is for them to overcome their anxiety.
Ultimately, female apathy due to fear of action is another hard obstacle in a man’s journey on the dating battlefield.
How Many of Those Variables Can You Affect?
Most of the strategical points on which men focus don’t have the capacity to change any of the aforementioned factors. Openers and jokes make for a fun convo but change close to nothing because they do not affect the main variables.
Losing weight if you are fat will do far more for your approach success than any pick-up line because it will affect the main pillars in a positive direction.
However, sooner or later, you will max out your capabilities to produce major change. This is when you start playing the slot machines.
Confusing Improvement With Chance
Things are not working great. You decide to change your opener. You get 3 numbers in a day. You immediately attribute this success to the modification you have introduced. The next day you use the same opener with no results.
This is the cyclic gambling effect. Your improvement was the result of chance, but you explain it with a new tactic.
If you do this long enough, you will realize that many of the values that you play with lead to the same results on average if the total number of approaches is high enough.
Lifting as a Way To Fix Every Problem In a Man’s Life
Many social groups wrongfully depict muscle construction as a panacea. If you have a problem as a male, you are advised to hit the weights. Sometimes I wonder whether people know what happens in the gym. Do they really think that it is a factory for ultra-attractive masculine males?
Lifting makes you more attractive, confident and healthier when done in moderation, but sooner or later, you arrive at the moment when no amount of extra pounds on your squat can have a meaningful impact on your life. I am at that moment and so are many others. I have never been rejected by a woman because I don’t have a shredded set of six pack abs or enormous arms. The culprit has always been elsewhere.
Why do they want you to think that the gym is the cure?
Acknowledging the existence of uncontrollable factors causes pain. Talking about any form of determinism goes against the politically correct mindset that we are supposed to adopt. More importantly, reality does not sell products.
When you know the principles above buying a dictionary with the best pick-up lines can only be done as a form of entertainment. They want you to think that you are in control. The more motivated you are, the more coins you spend on solutions. Just like a supplement store wants you to buy as many powders as possible, the dating coaches benefit from building up your motivation. Delusional customers are good for business. Telling you that you are too short to get the hottest girl is almost criminal whereas filling your head with nonsense game advice is considered progressive.
Defend Your Ground
I wish I could finish with a formula that will fix everything, but there isn’t one. The modern context is rigged against men more than ever and will remain so for a long time.
Don’t expect anyone to come to your face and say – “I am sorry.”
Do you really think that the women who rejected me directly or indirectly feel bad about doing so? They are indifferent. If they cared, they wouldn’t have done it. I am absolutely nothing to them – just another man fighting for his spot. They do not consider me brave either. Even if they did, they would never admit it.
They have zero respect for me and couldn’t care less about the time and effort I wasted on them. All the obstructions that I had to go through are invisible. I bet they are all self-rationalizing everything in their favor – “He was such a creep.”
Don’t expect honesty or compassion, for you will get neither. Cut your losses and stop searching for female validation, for you will not receive it.
Protect your ground, for nobody else will.
P.S. You can discuss this post in the comment section below or on the forum.