During his afternoon break Harry (better known online as TheBicepsFLEX-Killa) decided to check the new posts of his favorite bodybuilders on Instagram. Harry was a hardcore bodybuilding fan reading muscle magazines constantly. He was sucked deep into the muscle illusion and believed that most of the fairy tales written in those thong and bikini catalogs were as real as his birth certificate. Despite frequent disputes with his friends he was convinced that steroid use has never been a part of bodybuilding’s moral code.
Harry was a hardcore bodybuilding fan reading muscle magazines constantly. He was sucked deep into the muscle illusion and believed that most of the fairy tales written in those thong and bikini catalogs were as real as his birth certificate. Despite frequent disputes with his friends he was convinced that steroid use has never been a part of bodybuilding’s moral code.
“IFBB pros train hard and have perfect nutrition. That’s why they are so big! I know this is the truth. I follow their Instagrams. They must be natty,” was thinking Harry.
His jaw dropped when the following warning message appeared on the screen:
Overload! CPU meltdown! Server Limit Reached! Too many thongs and muscle fibers to process. Instagram cannot be loaded right now. Please, try again later.
After 21 angry “F5” hits and 23 mouse refreshes of the browser, the site finally loaded. Harry typed his nickname and legendary password – #proteinpowderallday – to log in. The computer had estimated his password as unbreakable.
After a few minutes of browsing, Harry saw something that made him angry to the point where his typing turned into a cruel beating of the keyboard. His fingers became baseball bats crushing the keys. The plastic was crying.
The reason for Harry’s anger was a lengthy explanation why Phil Heath will keep his title in 2015. It was posted by a guy with a nickname “shadowpinner1767”.
Here’s the original comment:
“Mr. Olympia, the biggest muscle worship festival, is approaching. Many legends of the thong are uploading their “X weeks out of Mr. Olympia” gym shots. The fans are posting 1000s of comments discussing the competitors. Many guys, as brain limited as HarryTheBicepsFLEX-Killa, are willing to defend their idols until there’s online blood on the screen but hear me out before writing nonsense.
Who is going to win Mr.Olympia 2015? The Gift, Greene or Ramy?
I haven’t seen a single photo, and yet I have a clear winner – Mr. Phil Heath a.k.a. the Present.
Why? Because he is the present Mr. Olympia, and we all know that it is impossible to dethrone a reigning champ even if he is missing a body part or two. This is one of the unwritten rules of the ancient muscle masquerade known as Mr. Olympia. Once a bodybuilder is on a roll and uploading Sandow trophies on Instagram, you have to wait for his retirement, imprisonment or early death to take his place.
Once a bodybuilder is on a roll, you have to wait for his retirement, imprisonment or early death to take his place.
There are many reasons for the formation of this tradition. The politically correct explanation is that bodybuilding is not football, and you can’t expect drastic improvements. You can lose fat and gain muscle, but you are stuck with your insertions, height, and frame forever. There are many things that you can do to get better, but buying or injecting new genetics isn’t one of them. Regardless of your efforts, you can’t look as good as somebody who has been born to wear the thong.
This is partially true and yet only a small factor in the big picture controlled by the muscle mafia. The subjective nature of this muscle show provides an opportunity to flip the final results in a way that suits the investment plans of the big boys. Bodybuilding is not a sprint. You can’t come up with a winner by analyzing a photo finish. The decision is in the hands of a few men called judges, and we all know what that means.
The next argument behind my prediction is that Heath’s competition continues to suck and will do so until the end of times. Most of the bodybuilders part of the line-up are washed up veterans. Sorry boys, but it’s all downhill from here. Get used to it. That’s true for Phil Heath himself. The peak has been reached, boyo. The only thing that is currently growing is the gut – all else is getting smaller and smaller. You can’t play pharmacy forever.
Phil Heath is not an exception. The peak has been reached, boyo. The only thing that is currently growing is the gut – everything else is getting smaller and smaller. You can’t play pharmacy forever.
With that said, Phil Heath still has the required looks and is the most diplomatic bodybuilder.
Who’s going to beat him? Kai Greene with his sadomasochistic suits and spider-man antics? Give me a break. The only thing that this guy accomplishes with similar behavior is giving the kids nightmares for life.
Branch Warren? This is not hunting or a contest meant to select the most muscular bald hobgoblin.
Who’s next? BIG Ramy? You mean the smooth Sultan Of Synthol Delts? Even if he weighs 400lbs, he still isn’t as aesthetically pleasing as Heath. Besides, the judges are unlikely to select a foreigner as a winner anyway.
Who’s next? Dennis Wolf a.k.a. The Golden Calf? This guy has weak lower legs, hamstrings, asymmetrical arms and a hole in the lower back.
Winklaar? Sorry, but this is not Mr. Triceps. Besides, the guy looks 20 months pregnant. His midsection overshadows everything.
Remember: you can’t just beat the reigning champ. You have to destroy him with a bazooka to take that Sandow home. The current guys don’t have a bazooka…”
The comment was at least one page longer, but HarryTheBicepsFlexKilla couldn’t keep on reading. It was too much. He looked around and asked himself, “How could such miserable hating creatures exist? People like that don’t belong on this Earth. Hell was made exclusively for them, ” thought Harry.
He started breathing heavily while following a special interval method that he had learned from one of his books on positive living. The title of the book was “Smile and Forgive The Haters”.
The desire to kill in Harry decreased, and he began formulating a response to shadowpinner1767. He wanted to shut him down hard. However, he knew that it was not going to be easy. Knocking out someone cold with an online comment is essentially a modern day art. Thankfully, Harry had some decent experience behind him as a starting point. After a few minutes of medium hyperventilation, he came up with the following:
Go fuck yourself!
Oh, wait! Don’t! You will probably enjoy that. You don’t deserve to do things you like because you are a horrible person – a hater who always tries to put SUCCESSFUL people down.
Who the fuck do you think you are in the first place? More than likely, you are a 30-year-old Webcam sex addict who doesn’t go out and spends most of his time reading conspiracy theories on the Internet and hating others. You don’t have real blood in you – only hate.
I want to inform you that the IFBB is a straight up organization. It does not test its athletes because there is no need.
Bodybuilders are decent people who don’t cheat. How do I know that? I’ve talked to many of the greats at seminars. During one of the seminars, I even took my shirt off for a physique evaluation. Dennis James said that I need to eat carbs six times a day if I want to get bigger. Guess what, homo? I am bigger now. Pants feel tighter.
Let me ask you something – how do you know that those guys are “pinning”? Are you with them 24/7? You said in one of your comments that Mike O’Hearn is not natty? Well, he does not have overly big traps and delts, acne or high blood pressure. If you knew anything about steroids, you would know that those are telltale signs. In Mike’s case, there are no similar indications. Get your facts straight before putting dirt on other people’s names.
You are terribly wrong about the judges too. They are honest people who neither lie nor participate in investment deals with competitors. This has never happened in the history of the sport. You are a garbage piece of shit for bending the facts like that.
I have nothing against Phil Heath. I am just a fan of bodybuilding and want to see the best man win. If that’s Heath, I will be happy for him, but at this moment, it could be just about anyone. Politics have never had a serious influence on the final winner of the show. NEVER. You are making stuff up. People like you are destroying the great sport of bodybuilding. There is absolutely no honor in your accusations.
Also, I want you to know that all supplements from creatine to protein powder are very important for growth. You are more than likely one of those scrawny Quasimodos who live in front of the PCs and eat salty peanuts all day. If you were to lift and eat more chicken, rice and broccoli, you will get bigger. Oh, wait! You are a loser without work habits.
Finally, I want you to know that I will be blocking you soon. I don’t need your hate in my life. My spiritual guide has graduated from the University of Oprah. She told me that I have to cut all negativity in my life, which includes people like you. Don’t bother making new accounts to reach me. I won’t be answering. Fuck you very much. Trash. Garbage. Suck it. End of discussion.”
A few hours later Harry went back online to check the stats of his comment. The results were more than positive: “10 000 000 people like this.” That put a smile on Harry’s face. He went to the office kitchen to make himself an anabolic bomb – protein + creatine + glutamine + BCAA + MultiVitamins.
While he was drinking the mixture, he said to himself, “It’s so sad that haters will never experience my success….” Then, he went back to his cubicle and continued daydreaming about muscle mass. He was happy.