This is an interview with a part of me that wanted to get bigger muscles. The interviewer is another part of me that works as a part-time shrink.

Why do you want big muscles?

Don’t know. I mean I know, but these days don’t know is a synonym for I don’t want to tell you, and it seems to fit here.

What if I hit you really hard?

I guess I will tell you a little more…if you hit me hard enough.

{hit}

First, you hit like a bitch. Second, I wanted bigger muscles because they are cool and equal strength in the eyes of the public. I am also a narcissist who wants to look good. I said it. Happy?

So, what were your expectations?

Can you ask more intelligent questions? This is insulting.

It’s a standard procedure.

I see you have been watching way too many police movies. Torrent much?

Shut the fuck up and answer the damn question.

I thought that I could become one of the shredded men you see in fitness magazines 100% naturally. The plan was to acquire shredded abs and big muscles to impress women. I think this is an obvious answer, but you are a pinhead. I should lower my expectations.

You thought that large muscles will make you invincible?

Yes, I thought so. That’s what the movies teach you, right? Arnie, big muscles, money, respect…the whole package. I was 100% convinced that bigger muscles were going to make me less prone to attacks from the outside world. I still am to some degree.

What kind of attacks?

Physical and mental. When I first started out I was a total weakling. I remember going to the local monkey bars after reading the blog of a girl who got “big muscles” by doing dips and pull-ups. I did 1.5 pull-ups and 3.2 dips. During the last 0.5 pull-up I felt like I was getting kissed by hungry wolves.

In school, there were guys who were already big as hell. The girls loved them.

I would say that those are pretty standard thoughts in the head of the typical brainwashed teen thinking that the world is way bigger than it is.

You mentioned mental attacks. What do you mean by that?

I remember applying for a job in a store for computer parts. I lied in my CV. I wrote that I had worked as a technician in a TV shop when in fact all I did was visit a TV repair station located in the basement of my building. I wanted to sound smart.

I was interviewed by two overconfident young bozos in suits. One of them took my attention because I could see that he was lifting. He had huge forearms. They were shaved, of course, because at the time the metrosexuality was taking over big time.

The two guys started asking questions that I couldn’t answer and made fun of me. I got mad because I had the skills to work there.

At the time, I was a wannabe skateboarder with poor posture weighing 135lbs at 6′. I thought that adding some size would earn me respect in similar situations. It turned out to be more or less true.

In a nutshell, you wanted to transform yourself from a beta bitch into a cock swinging alpha male by building bigger muscles?

Kinda. I never really understood all that cock swinging that you are talking about. I wasn’t planning on becoming a male whore if that’s what you are implying…

I am just saying that you sound like a little jellyfish afraid to walk outside. Did you really believe that you can fix a problem without attacking its true cause? There are plenty of people who are skinny and have confidence.

Later I learned that it takes much more. However, I am pretty sure that working out helped me fix some of my insecurities directly and indirectly. Almost any goal that’s demanding will have a positive impact on your life.

So, where are your muscles?

Well, that’s the thing. I don’t have big muscles and never will, at least as long as I stay natural. I don’t think that I have the genetics to be big otherwise.

Are you trying to justify your epic fails and LoserVille citizenship with the fact that you are natural? I am pretty sure that you would pin them glutes if you had the courage, but you are just a beta bitch.

You can interpret things both ways. Maybe I have the courage to stay natural while others are selling their genitals for big biceps. Have you looked at things from that perspective?

I catch your drift but to me, you just sound like a coward. Sorry.

Fuck you.

Fuck you too.

Same.

Why are you trying to convince people that just because you are a complete loser with 9-inch arms there aren’t individuals who can get monstrously big naturally?

Because I don’t believe that the majority of the population has good genetics for muscle building either. There are people who can do much better than me, but most humanoids will be stuck at lower levels too.

Cool. Whatever helps you sleep well at night, buddy.

I am not paying for this appointment. I thought that therapists are supposed to make you feel better. I guess you just suck at it.

Not really. The best therapists help you see the truth faster instead of stealing your money by prolonging the treatment. Besides, I am a part of you. What benefits do I get from feeding you lies?

You want me to self-destruct.

How so?

It happens all the time. People self-destruct themselves every day. Some chose to smoke; others choose negative thinking. You can be a mental masochist too. I think that you are trying to turn me into one. I will call you Hannibal from now on. It fits your profile.

Are you really that stupid and delusional? I don’t like that movie. It kills my appetite for days.

You know what? Bye.

You did nothing.

I will punch you.

With your mice muscles?

No, with a hammer…{teeth grinding}