Near the end of March, my grandmother entered a critical condition. Eventually, she went into a coma and died the next day.
She spent 2.5 weeks in a state that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Throughout the entire period parts of her brain were shutting down to the point where she lost the ability to recognize any of us and was constantly teleporting herself somewhere.
2.5 weeks don’t sound like a lot, but they felt like an eternity to us. I can undoubtedly say that her state was worse than death.
All my other grandparents are dead too, but their deaths didn’t shake me as much because I was much younger and there was no insanity involved.
I will not explain the entirety of the situation because you will have to be a part of my family to fully understand it. And to be honest, I don’t think I have the power to do so right now.
However, I still wanted to use this energy, as negative as it may be, to make a post on suffering.
Here’s what I learned from this experience (so far):
1. Ultimately, life = pain/suffering
You can try to be as positive as you want, but you can’t change the fact that suffering is the main theme in life, and you will find it everywhere.
Some suffer a lot more than others, but we all receive our dose. You can’t get through life without feeling tears going down your face.
The positive thinkers will argue that suffering is necessary for pleasure to exist because you can’t have light without darkness (dualism).
It’s true. But suffering dominates and has a stronger effect on one’s character than joy.
2. Long Life Is A Brutal Punishment
My grandmother would have been 93 in November. She lived through WW2, saw all kinds of regimes and governments come and go, grew up in misery….etc.
As an adult, she lost a child, witnessed the death of her parents and husband and unfortunately, her life ended in a non-dignified way because her mental capacity was completely destroyed.
Ultimately, long life is nothing but extended suffering.
3. A Long Life Doesn’t Guarantee Extreme Development
It may sound a little harsh, and you may judge me negatively for it, but I’ll be honest.
Some people have only 1/3 of my grandmother’s lifespan and yet accomplish a lot more in the material and spiritual world.
If I have to be as objective as possible, I have to admit that she was a little too caught in the baser things in life.
4. In times of extreme pain, you find God.
A wise man once told me: “God wants you to suffer because He loves you.”
A contradicting claim, isn’t it? If God loves you, why would He want you to suffer?
Because we seek God only when we’re in pain.
When the drama started, I was hopeless. There was nothing we could do. Ditto for the doctors. We bought all the drugs that they told us to, but there were zero results. She was getting worse every day. Neither of us was sleeping more than 1-2 hours. The medics refused to accept her in a hospital due to the lack of space and nurses.
I didn’t know what to do so I went to the river and prayed. The prayer was as honest as it gets. My entire body was shivering.
I wouldn’t have done any of this if I had the life of a rich Chad who always “wins”.
When you’re blooming, you don’t think about God. You seek him only when you’re in pain.
5. The worst things in life come when you don’t expect them.
Bad things may happen to you when you anticipate them, but the absolute worst moments in your life are always a complete surprise.
6. Life can crush just about anyone.
I don’t care about the ideology that you subscribe to…whether you’re a “red pill” guy, MGTOW, alpha, beta…whatever. I also don’t care about your deadlift and squat numbers.
Life will crush you sooner or later. We can pretend that everything that happens to us is solely the result of our actions and “mindset”, but it’s not.
When life really hits you, all the self-help pseudo-science and positives memes vanish.
7. Life is Scarier Than Death
At first, I didn’t know how long my grandmother will suffer. I thought that the pain may last weeks, months, or maybe even a year because she was surprisingly strong for her age.
And that thought devastated me because she was in very bad shape.
When she died, I was relieved because the suffering was over. There was nothing sad about her death. She’d lived a full life.
The weeks before her death, however, were multiple times scarier.
8. I’ve been holding back.
Moments like this push you to cross frontiers that you were afraid of before.
I’ll be honest with you. I feel like I’ve been too soft in my writing. I’ve been holding back. I’ve been too kind to people and ideologies that don’t deserve my kindness.
9. Seeing the suffering of people you love hits you the hardest.
The story made me sad on multiple levels.
I was sad about my grandmother.
I was sad about myself.
I was sad about life in general
but the pain that really crushed me was seeing my mother suffer.
My mother is the person on this Earth that I love and will love the most. Seeing her cry over the body of my grandmother stabbed me inside.
10 . Appreciate what you have
If you’ve been reading my writings for a while, you probably know that I’m cursed when it comes to finding “love”.
I’ve turned the world upside down to find someone, but all my attempts failed.
But guess what? Every single day throughout those 2.5 weeks, I wanted to teleport myself to the times when I was approaching women on the street only to get rejected and humiliated.
Why? Because even those days appeared like a holiday compared to what I was witnessing at home.
Sometimes you think that you have it bad even though your life is practically heaven compared to what’s about to come. Smile while you still can.
11. To me, life is predetermined
You can disagree, but to me, life is entirely pre-determined. You have a destiny that you can’t run from. It’s all pre-written. We just don’t know how the story ends.