This is another story about a co-worker of mine. The guy was a metrosexual semi-delusional natural bodybuilder born with the wild spirit of a skirt chaser. Thanks to him I had an opportunity to gather insight into the brain mechanisms of those who lift primarily to increase their reproduction skills.
He was always serving religiously the big three pillars of metrosexuality – shaving, tanning and bulging biceps. Undoubtedly, the guy’s attempt to become a legendary womanizer was successful. I’ve worked in one office with him for many years and had the chance to hear a wide variety of stories revealing his adventures along the complete pussy spectrum – from young to mature to things I don’t want to talk about.
One way or another, his system was working. I wouldn’t say that he was enormously muscular, though. His legs were thin, and even today he could pass for a natural in my book. His biggest strengths were his vascular arms and overall leanness (8% body fat).
Rumor has it that the guy wasn’t a stranger to recreational drugs and getting drunker than Charles Bukowski. This leads me to believe that steroids were not entirely out of the picture. Nevertheless, he was definitely behaving like a delusional natural.
One time I went to the kitchen of the office to recuperate. That day my brain was feeling like a chewing gym from looking at a cheap 15-inch monitor (thanks, boss!) for hours. I was about to drink some water when I saw something magical. It took me almost a minute to realize what was happening. From the side, I looked like a caveman who sees a gas lighter for the first time. I will never forget that moment. I was witnessing pure muscle alchemy taking place in front of me.
Next to the sink, there were two glasses full of bright and colorful mixtures. Where was I? Was this the laboratory of a mad scientist?
My concentration intensified; the outside world faded. The dust particles moving chaotically from side to side were hypnotizing and mystifying. I was witnessing the morphing of an authentic muscle elixir in real-time. At the very bottom of the left glass, I identified a breathtaking image – the residue had formed two figures resembling ghosts.
What were those? Amino acid angels?
This is when I realized what was going on. Somebody from the office was trying to get huge. At the time, I was still in the early stages of my muscle journey and therefore inclined to believe in the immense power of protein and creatine dust.
A couple minutes later, the door of the kitchen opened and my metrosexual colleague entered. His eyes and body language helped me read his thought which was rather simple – “I am about to get bigger. I just have to mix this stuff properly.”
He was holding a bottle of glutamine and a transparent protein scoop. I guess he was preparing a special muscle formula meant to crush muscle catabolism. The guy didn’t even look at me, although he definitely noticed my presence. He restarted the preparation of his muscle wizardry without showing signs of turmoil. His gestures were full of life and enjoyment.
A few minutes later, all three cups containing protein, glutamine and creatine were ready. He drank the mixtures in an instant and put the cups back down on the table one by one with a passionate bang which made the table vibrate.
He looked at me and said:
“Want to get huge? I can make you. In fact, I can make your arms big to the point where this T-shirt does not fit you anymore,” said Mr. MetroKing.
He was probably looking for one of those “teach me, master, please” moments to increase the value of his shares. The ego always thrives when its owner is treated as a master. Unfortunately for him, this was not going to happen because I am a hardheaded hate king.
I looked at my XXXL T-shirt and smiled. I needed some serious real estate – at least 18-19 inch arms – to fill it.
“Do you think those powders are that effective,” I said with my usual disturbing ton.
“Of course, bro. Look at my arms.”
He flexed his arms. They appeared humongous and super lean. Both heads of the biceps muscle were visible. This is way more impressive than a set of six pack abs if you ask me.
“Damn, that’s massive,” I exclaimed while checking the time on my dumbphone (the older brother of the smartphone)
The truth is that his arms were not that big in circumference. Probably 15 inches. Many people on training forums will call that small. After all, everybody on the Internet has lean 18-inch arms. ALL NATURAL, of course. The truth, however, is that most people living in the real world would kill for the arms of Mr. MetroKing.
“Thanks, man. It’s all about lifting regularly and proper supplementation,” replied the guy.
Then, he put his magic dust in the fridge and started walking like he owns the place.
When I became more informed on the subject of natural bodybuilding, I realized that stories like that are emblematic for natural bodybuilders who keep on pounding the iron day after day only to look exactly the same years later.
While my co-worker definitely had a functional body for his goals, he didn’t change much despite his efforts. Five years later, he was the exact same size.
The failure of natural bodybuilders is sometimes a result of poor training with baby weights, but there are also incredibly dedicated individuals who are doing everything right and still get nowhere as far as muscle size is concerned.
Every time I see a natural bodybuilder rushing to the protein bar after a workout, I question his mental health and ask myself whether this is dedication or pure mental illness? You have to be a little sick to keep hitting the wall with your head time after time, don’t you think? I believe that natural bodybuilders who continue to live for pipe dreams despite the lack of results are indeed mentally ill. Any sane person will sooner or later ask the question: “Where are all my efforts and protein dust going? Where are the muscles that I am paying for?”
I have asked myself this question many times during my lifting crises. Eventually, I had no choice but to accept the fact that natural bodybuilding is what it is. Now, I just lift for the health and strength benefits. All else seems delusional to me.
With that said, a good argument can be made that the truly mentally ill people are the steroid users. Everything those guys do is dictated by the needle. The large doses of anabolic steroids and the growth hormone act as creditors who give you a loan, only to steal your whole country later.
The life of a bodybuilder is not as happy as we believe. They all smile in the magazines, but I can see through the digitally edited pictures. I know they are hiding a lot. (e.g., insomnia, acne, frequent blood checks, drug bills, hair loss, organ failure, premature aging…etc.).
P.S. The post revealing the natty potential has been updated.