Here’s a rule that I made for myself as a result of my dating experience. You obviously don’t have to follow it as you should always make your own decisions. Nonetheless, some people may be interested to hear it as it comes from experience rather than imagination.
The rule is:
Always go for the kiss on the first date.
You’re probably familiar with the term “shit test”. (I don’t like using such words in my articles as profanity cheapens one’s speech, but this is the original name.)
“Shit tests” are conscious and subconscious obstacles that women throw at you to see how you will react….whether you will decompose or not.
Well, men can do the same thing.
However, basic talking is not the best form of “shit testing” from the male perspective.
Why? Because we all know that women’s words very often do not coincide with their actions.
Hence why it’s better to trigger a physical reaction from them rather than play verbal games.
A classic example would be to ask a woman out. By asking her out instead of chatting for days or weeks, you’re technically testing her interest in you by initiating a physical meeting.
If she’s remotely interested, she’ll say yes. If she isn’t, she will deny or ignore you.
The same can be done on a date.
It’s been said that people decide whether they will/would sleep with someone within seconds of seeing that person.
Or in other words, you and she both know whether there’s physical attraction seconds upon meeting.
You can decrease that attraction through poor verbal communication, but you cannot make up for it regardless of how good the conversation is.
Unless you have some ultra-deep sexy voice, you cannot create immense physical attraction through talking.
Therefore, long chatting in person doesn’t do much.
So, how do you test whether she is truly attracted to you?
By asking her? No.
You go for a kiss relatively quickly.
Obviously, doing it within minutes of meeting her is way too fast and will put her off. I’d say that 30-60 minutes are enough, though.
Most men, me included, are more likely to postpone this moment because it’s uncomfortable.
However, not going for the kiss within a timely period results in time wasting and nervousness.
What will happen?
The outcome is binary – yes or no. There’s no in-between. She will either reciprocate or not.
In either case, however, you will receive very valuable information – far more valuable than a 4-hour chat.
Case A: DENIED
One time, when I tried to kiss a woman on a date, I received a shoulder in my face.
I’m not gonna lie. I felt awkward. But looking back, it was the right move to make as her reaction immediately told me that she isn’t as attracted to me as needed for us to date.
Our interaction didn’t lead to anything even though she promised me a second date without asking her.
If you’re denied a simple kiss, chances are that the woman has already classified you as non-boyfriend/sexual partner material.
Case B: GRANTED But….
One may easily conclude that if a woman kisses you, she’s attracted to you. Well, for better or worse, this isn’t always the case.
One time, when I went for the kiss, the woman reciprocated, but I felt nothing. No passion. No nothing.
My guess is that she was reciprocating without putting a lot of meaning into it.
Nonetheless, the outcome gave me valuable insight – there was no chemistry between us.
Sitting there for five hours wouldn’t have done anything.
Case C: GRANTED + Success
In the best case scenario, she will reciprocate, and you will feel your entire being shivering.
This has happened to me only once when I met the actress (for those who’ve read A Desert in the Sky).
Kissing that woman felt like the deepest connection I’ve ever had with another female.
A kiss is deeper than people think.
Some women would have a “no strings attached sex” a.k.a. a hookup with a man but will not allow him to kiss them as they see a kiss as a “very personal act” reserved for more meaningful relationships.
It’s true. A kiss can indeed stimulate/trigger deeper emotions than monkey sex.
Thus, going for the kiss isn’t just a test for how physically attracted a woman is to you. It’s a test for compatibility.
Why not wait? Isn’t patience a virtue?
Patience may be a virtue but pointless waiting isn’t.
When you plant a seed, you wait for it to grow because you have to. The process teaches you how the world works.
Waiting in line for 10 hours technically does something similar but on a baser level and shows poor organizational skills.
Postponing the kiss attempt for next year is not an exercise in patience. It’s pointless waiting. Besides, there’s a very good chance that there won’t be another date.
If you like her, go for the kiss. See how she reacts and how you feel and take it from there.
Won’t my chances decrease if I get physical so quickly?
I don’t think so. In my opinion, this strategy simply fast forwards what will happen anyway.
Think about it logically.
Will a woman make a guy that she is really attracted to wait for a simple kiss?
I can understand if she makes him wait for sex due to religious or other views, but a kiss seems like too much of a denial for a man that she truly likes.
Should I kiss her at the end of the date?
It’s better than nothing, but it’s a bit too predictable. A little more spontaneity seems helpful in this case.
Shouldn’t I wait for her to kiss me?
Women are passive unless you’re some mega-attractive guy. It’s up to the man to initiate everything – the initial convo, the date….etc.
If you wait for a woman to do a move on you, you will be waiting for a long time…unless you’re a super hot guy.
It’s a very good idea, but watch out for MeToo allegations
@René. Should there be a day when kissing a woman on a date is considered a crime in the US I will pack my things in a suitcase and apply for a asylum in a country that does not consider being a man a crime.
You are a very wise man. This post is dead on. I laugh when I hear guys going on 4 or 5 dates before getting physical. They have long since been in the friend zone and don’t even know it. If she wants you it is obvious and if she doesn’t no amount of time is going to change that.
Funny how this post is made when I’m on the gates of a really high potential longterm relation, great as always.
Will test it out in our next hangout.
Any recommended reads for a first timer in the world of ‘love’ and commitment?
Brilliant post. One of the best pieces of dating advice for men. I would have saved myself a lot of wasted time, money and heartache had I gone for the kiss much earlier. I’m told in other countries such as Brazil people are more open and at ease about kissing.
Ay breh i actually came back for an update, it friggin worked!
Went on a first date, summoned the courage to go for a kiss, and ended with a whole all night kissing marathon!
now every single date with her ends with a never ending barrage of kissses, it’s surreal!
Again, thank you for the heads up, you were right on this one and i’m grateful for testing it myself, i owe you one.
In my frank opinion sir, trying to kiss someone within 30 minutes of meeting them is just downright disrespectful in my book, man or woman. This is the domain of prostitutes and porn stars who engage in intimate acts with people they barely know and not respectful dating. I certainly wouldn’t want a girl trying to kiss me within 30 minutes of meeting, regardless of how physically attractive she may be. To be even more frank, if a man thinks that kissing a woman is some sort of litmus test for compatibility, I honestly would say you’re thinking with your willy and not with your head, let alone with your spirit. I’ve enjoyed many of your articles, but this is probably one of your worst ones. You’re evidently still got a fair way to go spiritually sir. Best wishes.
A kiss will tell you more than a 10-day talk.
Are you a Gillette marketing representative, Stephen? You’re woke as fuck, my wife’s son loved your comment. Thank you!
Nah mate, I just got good old-fashioned class. I’ve been reading NattyOrNot since 2014, probably way longer than you. I’m glad your wife’s son (I take it he isn’t your biological son? That may say volumes about your relationship success rate) liked my comment. Not a bad thing for him to get a different perspective rather than you lot sitting around in your tight little echo chamber rubbing each other’s wangs about your imagined idealised dating experiences which I seriously doubt have ever happened, or ever will. At least Truth Seeker has been honest about that. Based on what I’ve seen in the nattyornot forum posts It wouldn’t suprise me if 90% of you guys here are porn addicts and sleep with hookers on a regular. You aren’t a real man, you’re just a sex addict with oversized prostate and the resultant diminished pre-frontal cortex white matter density.
Good for you.
But sexual attraction is the main factor for compatibility, without it everything else doesn’t matter. You both can click on every other spiritual level or whatever people call it, but without sexual attraction you are just a friends.
If she likes you and go for a kiss in the first hour she will cont it was a right move.
If she doesn’t like she may count it as a disrespectful, but in a first place why she going on a date whith someone she don’t find sexy?
True. Sex is what separates lovers from friends. At the end of the day, the tangible goal of romantic relationships is procreation.
I think that the spiritual connection happens later in life when the looks have faded. Another option is to go through some serious hardship together, but this would be work of destiny rather than your own will.
Yes, sexual attraction is the main factor of compatibility for people who prioritise sex as the most important thing in life. We are totally agreed sir, but it’s possible not to see it that way. Beyond reproduction, I consider sex mostly overrated and I don’t belong to any organised religion for that matter either.
Let’s say your ‘lover’ has an accident or gets sick and cannot meet your sexual needs. What will you do? Ditch her, along with the kids?
The scenario that I am describing is in a very early stage of a relationship if that.
Yours describes an already established relationship with results (children). Obviously, if you abandon a wife and kids for sex, you would be wrong.
Okay, I think I follow…on paper that is. Going by my own (anecdotal) experience, the idea that someone enters into a relationship with sex as the #1 priority, then all of a sudden gets totally, unconditionally, irrevocably committed at some abitrary later stage is something I have never seen nor even heard of outside of maybe Hollywood and Mills & Boon novels, etc. I think I understand your position, but I don’t see the logic in it. The common denominator with short-term relationships is that they’re always based primarily around sex, money, status, etc. There’s nothing else for the relationship to survive the storms of life. Anyways, the discussion has probably reached its impasse. I appreciate the chat, from a long time reader.
If you actually understand the post, you will know that it’s not about sex at all.
Kiss doesn’t equal sex.
But even if it’s about sex, the reality is that sex is what separates lovers from friends/whatever.
Sex is cheapened these days due to pornography, contraceptives, the media…etc. but it is actually a sacred experience.
lmao, This Stephen must be a troll. What’s understood aint gotta be said. I always go for the kiss in the middle of the date. ITs a huhe indicator on whether we are getting separate cheks
I say, always go for the rape, works every time.
Do a post of getting over your ex
Your posts give invaluable knowledge but none are dated. Please can you display a date on each of your post.
Screw that. Go for the **** as early as possible.
Agree, go for the kiss. Also, for the mechanics of how to go for the kiss, watch Bladerunner, the scene where Deckard first kisses Rachel (a little over an hour into the movie). Do the thing he does where you lean in and then lightly nuzzle her cheek with your lips first. If she doesn’t lean away and seems receptive, you’re good to go for the lips. If she does lean away or something like that, you still might be able to salvage it with good “game” and not making it awkward.