5×5 routines are supposed to be the cure for hungry naturals. They patch all the bugs that the bro splits have left behind. They are so good that if they were drugs, they would be illegal. Hence they are even better than drugs because they don’t have any side effects. You just do them and transform into a muscular monstrosity. Not only that, but you also lose body fat.
Want to gain muscle n-a-t-u-r-a-l-l-y?
No problemo. Squat for 5 sets of 5. Add curls if biceps do it for you. Done.
Want to evaporate the lard bouncing around your waist?
You can make that happen too. Just squat, bro. Do it like the 5×5 wizards.
Want to become a powerful playboy? Just squat and neg women, bro. It will work, bro.
Enough is enough.
The 5×5 propaganda has to stop.
5×5 does not produce the advertise musculature in most cases. Many of the poster boys behind the 5×5 regime were not natural. Even Bill Starr himself was not a lifetime natural. Neither is Mark Rippetoe, the 3×5 emperor. But for some reason, we have to believe that 5×5 in all of its forms is the blueprint for the ultimate natural ascension.
Many 5×5 zealots still say that squats and deadlifts are the reason why bodybuilders like Arnold were on top of the food chain. Of course, that’s nonsense. The primary reasons why the champ is the champ are genes, risk-taking and destiny, not exercises.
When it comes to squats, people often fall into the trap of attributing properties based on difficulty – we think that something is effective just because it is hard.
It’s true that all effective plans are difficult, but not all difficult plans are effective.
Sadly, for the 5×5 megaphones, their plans fall in the second category.
5×5 routines start easy but quickly transform into marathons. Doing compound exercises with a challenging weight takes too much time and juice. Routines like Ice Cream 5×5, Stronglifts and even Starting Strength transform into events rivaling Lord of the Rings in length during the final stages.
Admit that you have a fetish, bro.
You have a thing for the weird stories about the pupils of Bill Star and the likes. They were men and we are not, right? You read the manly squat articles online and curse the soy-bodybuilders. You are not going to be like them. You will be a real, Rippetoe-approved man or a strong comrade, as someone like Pavel would say. Baloney.
All those adventures are hyper-romanticized legends. You are a victim of the good cop talk. It’s not gonna work, boy. But you are too inexperienced to realize it.
It’s ok. We all believed the dream. We did our squats and broke our spines satisfying the 5×5 lords’ requirements. We all worshiped the manly and hairy powerlifters while hating on the shaved and oiled bodybuilders powered by vanity.
What happened in the end? That’s the thing, boy. Nothing happened. We didn’t “grow like a weed”. We didn’t get never-ending indications of interest from the girls. Our moms didn’t flip the house looking for steroids.
We kept on lifting only to hit a hardcore limit. Our numbers started to stall at similar bodyweight ratios. The doubt within our souls amplified.
What if we were wrong?
Of course, we were wrong. It makes perfect sense now.
Feel guilty? Time to stop!
It’s funny how the manly men get insulted when you don’t do your squats. Why are they so concerned with your status as a man? Weird, right?
“Bro. The squat is the number one tool for unlocking epic gains and reaching your full potential. If you are not squatting, you are not training, bro. Maximize.”
Get lost, dude and get your squat dogma with you. There is no need to feel guilty for failing to satisfy the notions of Rippism or other lifting doctrines since none of them deliver the promised muscle slabs.
Why Is 5×5 So Effective For Noob Brainwashing
1. No need for steroids, they said.
The promoters claim that bodybuilding splits work only for roided monkeys whereas 5×5 is for the natty soldiers. Thus, the noobs see it as a way to build huge muscles without injecting steroids.
Is this true? Hell, no. No program can break the natty chains. The actual strength of 5×5 is its narrow focus and progressive mechanism. The same engine can be installed on basically any car/routine.
2. Slabs of meat, they said.
We’ve all heard it. Regg Park did 5×5. There were no steroids when Park built his body. Conclusion? If I do 5×5, I will become a Regg Park clone.
Well, bro. I have a question for you?
Where are the Regg Parks of today produced by 5×5?
One would think that by now there will be an army of them. Yet they are nowhere. Most 5×5 zealots are average if not fat men with mediocre numbers for their bodyweights.
3. A real man, they said.
The fairy tales about boys who become men through lifting get old really fast. What? You want to tell me that my grandfather was not a real man because he never did a barbell squat? Most gym brahs will not survive a day in his shoes.
You are telling me that a certain squat number is needed to earn a manly status?
Here’s an unconventional opinion.
Modern society is anti-men. They call it “toxic masculinity”. You are supposed to be a good boy and do as your masters say. Then they give you the ability to lift weights in the gym (a sterile environment) and promise that if you become really good at moving iron that does not have to be moved, you will transform into a real man. Hell, they may even give you a role in a movie for elves or something.
4. You will become athletic, they said.
Sure. Because we all know that every athlete is a powerlifter during the night.
The promoters of barbell voodoo condemn every other form of training. They say it’s for insecure idiots.
You have to be strong first?
Haha. Tell it to someone who actually competes on a high level in any non-barbell sport and you will make him laugh.
5. Strength is the most important part in life.
The modern obsession with strength shares many properties with the technological overload that we experience today.
People often mistake technological advancement for overall progress. Most of the upgrades that separate the past from the present are somehow linked to technology – computers, phones, cars…etc. All else is forgotten.
What if I tell you that we have enough technology already? I am not saying that further development is not possible. There is no limit. Technology can improve forever…until we become robots. What I am saying is that we already have enough. The problem is not the lack of technology but rather its application.
It’s similar to money. There are many people who are technically rich but don’t consider themselves wealthy because their expenses, desires and expectations are out of control.
Strength operates on the same token. How heavy does your deadlift have to become? What difference does it make whether you deadlift 400lbs or 500lbs? Seriously? In what way does it affect your daily life?
For better or worse, the chosen material cannot patch the void.
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