During his routine break at 3 p.m. Harry, better known online as TheBicepsFLEX-Killa. decided to sign in to Instagram and check the new posts of his favorite bodybuilders. Harry was a hardcore bodybuilding fan reading muscle magazines constantly. He was sucked deep into the muscle illusion and believed most of the fairy tales written in those thong and bikini catalogs were as real as his birth certificate. Despite frequent disputes with his friends he was convinced that steroid usage has never been part of bodybuilding’s moral code. “IFBB pros train hard and follow perfect nutrition. That’s why they are so big! I know this is the truth. I follow their Instagrams. They must be natty,” was thinking Harry.
His jaw dropped when the following warning message appeared on the screen:
Overload! CPU meltdown! Server Limit Reached! Reason: Too much thongs and shredded muscle to process. Instagram cannot be loaded right now. Please, try again later. Thank you for your understanding. Repeating: too much thongs and muscle! Try again later! Repeating…
“Do you think this is a motherfucking game,” said out loud Harry which gained him some weird looks. This was not the first time.
“They just don’t understand. Very few people know muscle,” thought Harry.
After about 21 angry “F5” hits and 23 mouse refreshes of the browser, the site finally loaded. He typed in his nickname and password, which was legendary: “bigbicepswilldestroyyouinbed#kaigreenefighting#proteinpowderallday#flexitbaby”. The password generator had estimated his password to be virtually unbreakable.
After a few minutes of browsing Harry saw something that made him angry to the point where his typing turned into cruel keyboard beating. His fingers became baseball bats crushing the keys. The plastic was crying. The reason for Harry’s anger was a lengthy explanation why Phil Heath will keep his title in 2015. It was posted by a guy with a nickname “shadowpinner1767”. Here’s the original comment:
“The biggest muscle worship festival, Mr. Olympia 2015, is approaching and many legends of the thong are uploading their “X weeks out of the Olympia” gym shots. The fans are posting 1000s of comments, discussing which competitor has the ultimate shredded glutes. Many guys, as brain limited as HarryTheBicepsFLEX-Killa, are willing to defend their idols until there’s online blood on the screen, but hear me out before writing nonsense.
One of the topics causing the most controversy is: “Who is going to win Mr. Olympia 2015?”
The Gift, Greene or Ramy?
I haven’t seen a single photo and yet I have a clear winner – Mr. Phil Heath a.k.a. the ‘Present’. Why? Because he is the present Mr. Olympia and we all know it is impossible to dethrone a reigning champ even if he is missing a body part or two. This is one of the major unwritten rules of the ancient muscle masquerade known as Mr. Olympia. Once a bodybuilder is on a roll, uploading Sandow trophies on Instagram, you have to wait for his retirement, imprisonment or early death to take his place.
There are many reasons for the formation of this tradition. The politically correct explanation is that bodybuilding is not football, and you can’t expect drastic improvements. You can lose fat and gain muscle, but you are stuck with your muscle insertions, height and frame proportions. There’s a lot of things you can do to get better, but buying or injecting new genetics isn’t one of them. Regardless of your effort you can’t look as good as somebody who has been born to wear the thong.
Partially true, this is only a small factor in the big picture controlled by the muscle mafia. The subjective nature of this muscle show allows the final results to be flipped in order to suit behind the scene investment plans. Bodybuilding is not a sprint and you can’t come up with a winner by analyzing a finish photo. It’s all in the hands of a few men called judges, and we all know what this means.
The next reason is that Heath’s competition continues to suck and will do so until the end of times. Most of the bodybuilders part of the line-up are washed up veterans. Sorry boys, but it’s all downhill from now on. Get used to it. That’s true even for Phil Heath himself. The peak has been reached. The only thing that is currently growing is the gut – all else is getting smaller and smaller. You can’t play pharmacy forever.
With that said, Phil Heath still has the looks and is the most diplomatic bodybuilder. Who’s going to beat him? Kai Greene with his sadomasochistic suits and spider-man antics? Give me a break. The only thing this guy accomplishes with similar behavior is scaring the kids and giving them nightmares for life. Branch Warren? This is not hunting boys nor a contest for the most muscular bald hobgoblin. Who’s next? BIG Ramy? You mean the smooth Sultan Of Synthol Delts? Even if he comes 400 lbs / 180 kg shredded with his lungs visible, he is is still not as aesthetically pleasing as Heath and the judges are unlikely to select a foreigner as a winner anyway. Ironically, Ramy is the best bodybuilder by modern standards because he is the biggest, but…
Who’s next? Dennis Wolf a.k.a. The Golden Calf? This guy has weak lower legs and hamstrings, asymmetrical arms and a hole for lowerback. Then comes Winklaar. Sorry, but this is not Mr. Triceps. The guy looks 20 month pregnant too. His mid-section overshadows everything.
Remember: you can’t just beat the reigning champ with a gun. You have to destroy him with a bazooka to take that Sandow home. The current guys don’t have a bazooka…”
The comment was continuing for at least half a page more, but HarryTheBicepsFlexKilla couldn’t keep on reading. It was too much. He looked around and asked himself: “How could such miserable hating creatures exist? People like that don’t belong on this Earth. Hell was made exclusively for them, ” was thinking Harry.
He started breathing deeply using a special interval method he had read about in one of his many books on positive living. The book was called “Smile and Forgive The Haters”.
The desire to kill in Harry decreased a touch and he began formulating a response to shadowpinner1767. He wanted to shut him down hard. However, he knew it was not going to be easy. Knocking out someone cold with an online comment is essentially a modern day art. Thankfully Harry had some decent experience behind him as a starting point. After a few minutes of medium hyperventilation he came up with the following:
Go fuck yourself!
Oh, wait! Don’t! You will probably enjoy that, and you don’t deserve to do things you like because you are a horrible person – a hater who always tries to put other SUCCESSFUL people down. Who the fuck do you think you are in the first place? More than likely, you are a 30-year-old Webcam sex addict who doesn’t go out much and spends most of his time reading conspiracy theories on the Internet and hating others. You don’t have real blood in you – only hate.
I want to inform you that the IFBB is a straight up organization, and it does not test it’s athletes only because there is no need for drug tests. Why? Because bodybuilders are decent people who don’t cheat. How do I know that? I’ve talked to many of the greats at seminars, and they all told me they are 100% full natty brahs. During one of the seminars I even took my shirt off for physique evaluation, and Dennis James said I need to eat carbs three times a day if I want to get bigger. Guess what, homo? I am bigger now. Pants feel tighter.
Let me ask you something – how do you know those guys are “pinning”? Are you with them 24/7? You said in one of your comments that Mike O’Hearn is not natty? Well, he does not have overly big traps and delts nor does he have acne and high blood pressure. If you knew anything about steroids, you would know those are clear signs and in the case of Mike there are no similar indications. Get your facts straight before putting dirt on other people’s names.
You are also terribly wrong about the judges. They are honest people who never lie nor participate in investment deals with competitors. That has never happened in the history of the sport and you are a garbage piece of shit for bending the facts like that.
I have nothing against Phil Heath. I am just a fan of bodybuilding and want to see the best man win. If that’s Heath, I will be happy for him, but at this moment it could be just about anyone. Politics have never had serious influence on the final winner of the show. NEVER. You are making stuff up, and people like you are destroying the great sport of bodybuilding. There is absolutely no honor in your accusations.
Also, I want you to know that all supplements from creatine to protein powder are very important for growth. You are more than likely one of those scrawny looking Quasimodos who only type on PCs and eat salty peanuts all day. If you were to lift and eat more chicken, rice and broccoli, you will get bigger. Oh, wait! You are a loser without working habits. Maybe, just maybe, hard work is in order, don’t you think?
Finally, I want you to know that I will be blocking you soon. I don’t need so much hate in my life. My spiritual guide has graduated from the University of Oprah, and she told me I need to cut all negativity in my life, which includes people like you. Don’t bother making new accounts to reach me. I won’t be answering. Fuck you very much. Trash. Garbage. Suck it. End of discussion.”
A couple of hours later Harry went back online to check the appreciation of his comment. The results were more than positive: “10 000 000 people likes this.” That put a smile on Harry’s face and he went to the office kitchen to make himself one of those anabolic bombs – protein + creatine + glutamine + BCAA + MultiVitamins. This unique protein powder was built upon a new formula providing even better absorption. Big muscles were just around the corner. While drinking the mixture he thought: “How sad it is that haters will never experience my success….” Then, he went back to his cubicle and continued daydreaming about muscle mass. He was happy.