The squat rack is a sacred piece of equipment. You are not allowed to touch it or even look at it without giving a sacrifice a.k.a. doing h-e-a-v-y barbell exercises such as squats and rack pulls. Legend has it that every time you lift light weights in the squat rack, an angel of strength dies.
The biggest sin of them all is performing biceps flexion a.k.a. curls in the squat rack. You can be certain that this will cost you a lot in your next life. You are probably going to reincarnate as a rat spinning the wheel of Hell. It ain’t fun, but someone has to do it. The devil needs electricity too, and since the dawn of time, he’s been into green technology.
To understand why you deserve a similar punishment, you need to fully comprehend the power of the squat rack.
The squat rack was created centuries ago and revolutionized the world of the barbell. Before the squat rack, people were doing mainly pulling exercises and overhead presses. With the invention of the squat rack, however, the monogamy ended, and the lifters were finally able to enjoy the pleasure of having something really heavy on top of them. In short, the squat rack gave birth to the barbell back squat which can be considered the God of Muscle and was presented as such in many books.
By curling in the squat rack, you’re making the God Of Muscle really angry. The more you repeat the sin, the uglier rat you’ll be in your next life. Those of you who have been doing curls in the squat rack for years will enjoy a special place in Hell.
Note: Curls in the squat rack are breaking the following rules:
1. A man who dares to curl in the squat rack does not respect the God Of Muscle and spits in his face with each rep.
2. The squat rack curlers show a severe lack of intelligence. Those sinners fail to realize that you can actually let the barbell rest on the floor in between curl sets. This will allow somebody else to use the squat rack for real sacrifice instead of having to wait for your mockery to end.
3. The morons who curl in the squat rack show an inability to understand that arm growth is not the most important thing in life and is not a guarantee that you will have a successful sexual union with beautiful representatives of the human race.
Thankfully, there are different ways to avoid the hard sentence. Unfortunately for you, all of them are extremely painful, but if you are really sincere in your quest, you can succeed.
Currently, the most effective ways to repent your sins for doing curls in the squat rack are:
1. Squatting in the curl rack.
According to unofficial information from highly reliable sources, you can repent your sins by performing squats for 100 sets of 100 reps in the curl rack when the biggest dudes in the gym are training arms. If you do that, you can be certain that you’re not going to join the rat pack in Hell.
2. Becoming the most popular permabulker on Bodybuilding.com’s forums.
If you get from 120lbs to 320lbs in three months by eating whatever, you will become the most popular permabulker on the Internet. That, my friend, will save you from the reaper of souls.
3. Breaking the squat world record
This is a sure way to reserve a place in heaven. If you break a squat world record, you can do even wrist curls in the squat rack. You’re absolutely immune to anything in life. Congratulations!
4. Saving lost souls
What happens if you are injured and cannot fulfill any of the above? Well, you can start saving souls. You need to convert squat rack curlers into squat rack squatters. The more converters you have to your name, the higher your chances of repentance are.
5. Reaching a high rank in the Church Of The Squat
If the solutions above do not appeal to you, you can always become a Squattoist monk. The first step is to find a good pastor (e.g., Mark Rippetoe).
Squattoist monks could become immune to Hell after they reach a high enough position in the Church of the Squat. The main ranks are:
Noob – a squat rack curler who has just found the light
Semi-noob – a former squat rack curler sober for at least 3 months
Master noob – a noob who has helped at least one person find the light
Apprentice – a master noob with at least 100 followers on Twitter
Master – an apprentice who can squat 2 times his bodyweight. Note: This person will have to post a video on Instagram.
Grandmaster – a master who has competed in the sport of powerlifting. This person needs to have a 41-inch waist, at least.
Grand Grandmaster – a grandmaster who has called a bodybuilder doing curls in the squat rack a “phaggot” at least once in his life. Grand Grandmasters usually have 49-inch waists.
Prophet – this is a retired Grand Grandmaster that is now opening his mouth only to teach. A good example would be the endless amounts of gurus such as Rippetoe, Mehdi from SL 5×5, Tsatsouline, Tom Platz, George Farah…etc.
Squat R-A-C-K – Nobody has reached this level yet, but rumor has it that some of the prophets are pretty close. According to the legend, if you follow the rules of Squattoism until your last breath, you may be reborn as a squat rack in your next life. Once you’ve reached this level, you are saved for eternity under the form of a heavy duty squat rack of steel.