What’s wrong with CURLS in the SQUAT rack?

The squat rack is treated as a sacred piece of equipment. You are not allowed to touch it or even look at it without giving a sacrifice a.k.a. doing h-e-a-v-y barbell exercises such as squats and rack pulls. Don’t even think of doing anything else besides H-E-A-V-Y iron stuff there. Legend says that every time you lift light weights in the squat rack a person gets inappropriate things in inappropriate places of the body.


The biggest sin of them all is performing biceps flexion a.k.a. {curls in the squat rack}. You can be quite sure that this will cost you a lot in your next life. You are probably going to be reborn as a rat spinning the wheel of Hell for eternity. It ain’t fun but someone has to do it. The devil needs electricity too and lately he’s been into that Green technology.

In order to understand why you deserve such a punishment you need to fully realize the power of the squat rack.

The squat rack was created centuries ago and revolutionized the world of the barbell. Before the squat rack people were mainly doing pulling exercises and overhead presses. With the invention of the squat rack, however, the monogamy ended and the lifters were finally able to enjoy the pleasure of having something really heavy on top. In essence, the squat rack gave birth to the barbell back squat which can be considered the God of Muscle and was presented as such in many books.

By curling in the squat rack, you’re making the God Of Muscle really angry. The more you repeat the sin, the uglier rat you’ll be in your next reincarnation. For those of you who have done curls in the squat racks for years, there’s a special place in Hell. You will be the rat with the smallest arms in Hell. How do you like that? Are you going to cry?

When you’re doing curls in the squat racks you’re breaking many rules such as the following ones:

– Anybody who dares to curl a barbell in the squat rack, does not respect the God Of Muscle and basically spits in his face with each rep.

– Those who curl in the squat rack show lack on intelligence as they appear to be extremely stupid. Those sinners fail to realize that you can let the barbell rest on the floor in between curl sets. Somebody else can use the squat rack for real sacrifice instead of having to wait for your mockery to end. {Negged.}

– The morons who curl in the squat rack show inability to understand that arm growth is not the most important thing in life and is not a guarantee, by any means, that you will have a successful sexual union with beautiful representatives of the human race.

Can you go back once you’ve become a sinner?

Thankfully, there are different ways which allow you to avoid the hard sentence received for curling in the squat rack. Unfortunately for you, all of them are extremely painful but if you are really sincere in your quest, you can succeed. You’ve been warned!

At the moment (stable Version 2.1a) the most effective ways to repent your sins for doing them curls in the squat rack are:

1. Squatting in the curl rack.

image source: www.ugbodybuilding.com;

image source: www.ugbodybuilding.com;

According to unofficial information from highly reliable sources you can repent your sins (curling in the squat rack) by performing squats for 100 sets of 100 reps in the curl rack when the biggest dudes in the gym are training their arms. If you do that, you can be certain that you’re not going to be joining the rat pack in Hell.

Bonus: If on top of your 100 x 100 you make somebody who curls in the squat rack follow your example, you get an extra wish according to your personal preferences. Most choose an inch of arm growth before their next birthday.

2. Becoming the most popular permabulker on Bodybuilding.com’s forums.

If you start doing squats + the GOMAD diet and achieve a crazy transformation such as getting from 120 lbs to 320 lbs in three months, you will be considered the most popular permabulker on the Internet. That my friend will safe you from the reaper of souls.

3. Breaking the squat world record

This one is a sure way to find yourself in muscle heaven. If you break a squat world record, you’re allowed to not only do biceps curls in the squat rack, but you can also do wrist curls there too. You’re absolutely immune to anything in life. Congratulations!

4. Saving lost souls

What happens if you are injured and cannot fulfill any of the above? Well, you can start saving souls. You need to convert all squat rack curlers into squat rack squatters. The more converters you have on your name, the higher your chances are to fix your brutal mistake.

5. Reaching a high rank in the Church Of The Squat

If any of the previously mentioned solutions do not appeal to you, you can always become a a Squattoist monk. In order to do it you first have to find a good pastor such as Mark Rippetoe. You need somebody to lead you in the vast world of Squattoism. Squattoist monks could become immune to Hell after they reach a high enough position in the Church of the Squat. The main ranks are:

5. Noob – Squat rack curler who has just found the light.

4. Semi-noob – Former squat rack curler who has quit doing curls in the squat rack for 3 months.

3. Master noob – Semi-noob who has helped at least one person find the light.

2. Apprentice – Master noob with at least 100 followers on Twitter.

1. Master – Apprentice who can squat 2 times his bodyweight  for 5 sets of 5. This person will be required to post the video on Instagram.

0.9. Grandmaster – Master who has competed in the sport of powerlifting and has various titles. This person needs to have a 41 inch waist, at least.

0.8. Grand Grandmaster – Grandmaster who has called a bodybuilder doing curls in the squat rack a ‘Phaggot’ at least once in his life. Grand Grandmasters usually have a 49 inch waist, at least.

Note: From 0.7 to 0.2 we have different ranks of Grand Grandmaster which are determined by how many times you have insulted a bodybuilder with the phrase in question.

0.1.  Prophet – this is a retired Grand Grandmaster Degree 0.2 ( +black belt)  that is now opening his mouth only to each. A good example would be the endless amounts of gurus such as Rippetoe, Mehdi from SL 5×5, Tsatsouline, Tom Platz, George Farah…etc.

0. Squat R-A-C-K – Nobody has reached this level yet, but rumor has it that some of the prophets are pretty close. According to the legend if you follow the rules of Squattoism until your last breath, you may be reborn as a squat rack in your next life.

This position is considered “0” which stands for a loop or eternity. Once you’ve reached this level you are saved for eternity under the form of a heavy duty squat rack. We wish good luck to our prophets on their way to becoming a Squat R-A-C-K.

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