Two years ago, I had the displeasure of working with an advanced level CrossFit bitch. The experience taught me a lot about both – bitches and CrossFit.
First, what’s a CrossFit bitch?
A CrossFit bitch is a female specimen sharing all characteristics of a total bitch while also doing CrossFit training multiple times a week.
CrossFit bitches will always find a way to inform you that they do CrossFit. One way or another, CrossFit talk is always added to the conversation. You may be talking about the staged moon landing, and yet somehow CrossFit will be mentioned, most likely as the ultimate way to keep yourself fit in a space shuttle…if such things exist, to begin with.
Once everybody is informed that CrossFit is the activity of choice, it’s time for phase II – making those who don’t do CrossFit feel like inferior insects. This usually happens at lunch breaks when the drones rest, reload and discuss.
I hate eating with other people. I really do, even if they are my own family. I know that many put an emphasis on eating together, but I don’t. I think it’s oversharing. I have been like that since I was a little kid.
You can probably guess that I hate eating at the office with my coworkers too. I feel better this way, especially when there is a CrossFit bitch in the group. That specimen usually brings an enormous amount of cooked food in plastic containers, takes pictures of it and uploads the photos on Instagram. Naturally, this happens while making other people feel bad about what they are consuming.
This particular CrossFit bitch was absolutely insane when it came down to food – bio meat, bio eggs, bio nuts, bio fruits…everything about her was bio, except her brain. I think she had a washing machine there.
When you are around similar people for a long time, they usually make you feel as if your breathing is totally wrong and unhealthy.
One of the most amusing things that you can do is to ask a CrossFit bitch the simple question:
“Why are you doing all of this?”
The answer is usually: “To gain muscle mass and do well at CrossFit.” This makes me smile every time because most CrossFit bitches are super delusional about the way they look.
The bio CrossFit bitch part of my story did not look one bit better than the rest of the women that worked there. I am serious. She was neither more muscular nor leaner. Keep in mind that many of the other females were smokers living on coffee, candies and whatever garbage was available on the street nearby.
I am not saying that quality nutrition is all about looking good because it’s not. You will definitely feel better if you eat healthy foods. However, as I have said many times a little garbage will not kill you or diminish your final results. There is no point in completely limiting yourself in order to feel superior which is what classic CrossFit bitches do.
The false perception of strength comes next.
One time a big box had to be moved. I doubt it was that heavy, to be honest. I think a 14-year-old video gamer moves heavier things when installing a new 30–inch monitor for the ultimate porn experience.
Ironically, the rest of the women asked the CrossFit bitch to move it for them because she had “girl power”. The bitch said something like “I can do that thanks to my heavy deadlift.” Her deadlift was a little over 120lbs at the time, but she had successfully brainwashed everybody that she is brutally strong. There were definitely women in the office who were stronger than that bitch without even training. They just didn’t know it.
Eventually, it got out of control. I was a Facebook friend with some of her Facebook friends. Those morons were constantly liking her stupid CrossFit memes, photos, quotes and other nonsensical digital emotions. This is when I decided to just block the bitch and her friends. I didn’t want all that CrossFit drama chasing me at home too.
This was a pretty good start, but far from enough to escape the endless CrossFit spam generated by that woman.
One time I was asked to lift a box full of plastic garbage. It didn’t look heavy at all, probably 30 pounds top. When I lift light objects, I don’t really think about proper form unless I have a nagging pain that needs babysitting. Therefore, I lifted the damn thing with the worst possible technique – back flexed all the way. All rules of lifting were broken that day. The bitch saw that as an opening to school me how heavy lifting is done. Since I don’t look like I lift, my coworkers didn’t know that I was extremely well informed on the topic. When people don’t see something, they usually assume that it does not exist.
The bitch started screaming: “Oh…what are you doing, idiot! You are not lifting with proper form. Your back will be destroyed.” Then she followed her exclamation with a long explanation how you must lift with your legs and not your back. I guess somebody who doesn’t know a thing or two about lifting could find this talk enjoyable, but for me, it was quite irritating. Her fast talking produced an insane amount of spit towards me. Disgusting! The fact that her teeth looked worse than a can opened with a spoon did not help much either.
In my mind, I was like: “Calm down, I am not lifting the fridge, bitch. No need to school me, I can see how phony you are in reality.” However, I said nothing. I didn’t want problems because CrossFit bitches are well–known back stabbers who do crazy things behind your back and suck up to the boss all the time.
Of course, I understand that this characteristic is technically not connected to CrossFit, but it was true for this particular CrossFit bitch. Think about it – you can’t be a complete CrossFit bitch unless you are a real life bitch too.
CrossFit seems to be a magnet for pretentious individuals who desperately want to be a part of a mainstream group. It almost feels like the brand is messing with people’s heads and consuming their personalities. Nobody tries to see what hides behind the name. All people care about is fulfilling the social media standards.
One day I accidentally met that poor soul in the kitchen. She was preparing a super healthy mix – berries, cherries, apples, vinegar….The damn thing was a bomb for your stomach, but I guess some CrossFit maniacs consider this healthy. I decided to drink tap water because the mineral bottles were too hot. This is when another lecture took place.
“Why are you drinking tap water,” asked the CrossFit bitch with a condescending tone.
I knew that my answer was going to be irrelevant because she was planning to repeat some nonsense taken from a forum visited mainly by health nuts with ugly teeth.
“Cause it’s colder,” I replied.
“Don’t you know that they put fluoride in tap water to mess with your mind,” said the CrossFit bitch.
I was well aware of the things she was talking about. I know about the tap water conspiracy – it’s supposed to calcify your third eye and make you an obedient “slave”. I never fully bought that theory, although I am a known conspiracy theorist.
I am not saying there isn’t garbage in the water. There is. Nevertheless, people have been acting like slaves way before there was tap water. A lot of basic principles have remained the same for centuries. Some are still more equal than others, and the little man is still a property. In other words, I don’t think that tap water is the main reason for our degradation.
Therefore, my reply was: “I know, but I follow the 90/10 rule.”
I thought about closing my nose because her garbage mix smelled terrible. The odor was enhanced by her grandma perfume.
“What’s that,” asked…you know who.
“It’s simple. You eat 90% good foods and leave the rest 10% for all kinds of garbage.”
“This sounds terrible. I can never live knowing consciously that I am not 100% devoted to my goal. I go all the way. That’s what CrossFit taught me – no pain, no gain”
At this point, I couldn’t take it anymore and said: “Yeah, right”, although “Bitch, please!” was way more appropriate.
“I don’t know about losers like you, but I always go all the way until I collapse,” she replied while hugging her acid mixture.
Then, she lifted the large cup towards the sky as if it was Simba a.k.a the Sun, turned around and got out. The phony particles she left in the air remained noticeable long after she’d left.