I’ve never done any form of CrossFit myself, but because of its immense popularity keeping a neutral stance regarding this movement has become a difficult task.
Two years ago, I had the displeasure of working with an advanced level CrossFit bitch. This experience taught me a lot about the two – bitches and CrossFit.
First, what’s a CrossFit bitch?
A CrossFit bitch is a female specimen sharing all characteristics of a total bitch while also doing CrossFit training multiple times a week. Obviously, this is precisely what distinguishes a CrossFit bitch from the rest of the bitches.
The first thing that hits you when you meet a similar individual is the “CrossFit Like Me or Die” mentality. You will also immediately learn how many times the person in question is stretching the training pants. CrossFit bitches love keeping workout schedules written with bold fonts on their working desks.
One way or another, CrossFit talk is always added to the conversation. You may be talking about staged moon landings, and yet somehow CrossFit will be mentioned, most likely as the ultimate way to keep yourself fit in a space shuttle…if such things exist to begin with.
At work, the first major goal of a CrossFit bitch is to make sure that the whole department knows about her involvement in the cult. Once that’s settled, it’s time for phase II – make those who don’t do CrossFit feel like inferior insects. This usually happens at lunch breaks, when the drones rest, reload and discuss.
I personally hate eating with other people. I really do, even if they are my own family. I know a lot of people put emphasis on eating together, but I don’t. I think it’s oversharing. I have always been like that since a little kid, which means this behavior is normal for me. Anyway, you can probably guess that I hate eating at the office with my coworkers too. This is a great thing, especially when there is a CrossFit bitch in the office. Why? Because those bitches usually bring enormous amount of cooked food in 10 different plastic containers, take pictures of it and upload the photos on Instagram. Naturally this happens while making other people feel bad about what they are consuming.
This particular CrossFit bitch was absolutely insane when it came down to food – bio meat, bio eggs, bio nuts, bio fruits…everything about her was bio, except her brain. I think she had a washing machine there.
When you are around such people for a long time, they usually make you feel like your breathing is totally wrong and unhealthy.
One of the most amusing things you can do is ask a CrossFit bitch the simple question:
“Why are you doing all of this?”
The answer is usually: “To gain muscle mass and do well at CrossFit.” This makes me smile every time because most CrossFit bitches are super delusional about the way they look.
The bio CrossFit bitch part of my story did not look one bit better than the rest of the women that worked there. I am serious. She was neither more muscular nor leaner. Keep in mind that many of the other females were smokers living on coffee, candies and whatever garbage was available on the street nearby.
I am not saying that quality nutrition is all about looking good because it’s not. You will definitely feel much better eating mainly good food. However, as I have said many times a little garbage will not kill you or diminish your final results. There is no point in completely limiting yourself in order to feel superior, which is what classic CrossFit bitches always try to do.
Next comes the false idea of strength.
One time a big box had to be moved. I doubt it was that heavy to be honest. I think a 14-year-old video gamer moves heavier things when installing the new 30 inch monitor for the ultimate porn experience.
Ironically, the rest of the women asked the CrossFit bitch to move it for them because she had “girl power”. The bitch said something like: “I can do that thanks to my heavy deadlift.” I think her deadlift was a little over 135 lbs / 62 kg at the time, but she was able to brainwash everybody around how strong and fit she was. I knew better. There were definitely women in the office who were stronger than that bitch without even training. Problem is, they didn’t know it because the general public is not educated when it comes to lifting.
Eventually, it got out of control. I was Facebook friends with some of her Facebook friends, and those morons were constantly liking her stupid CrossFit memes, photos, quotes and other nonsensical digital emotions. This is when I decided to just block the bitch and her friends. I didn’t want all that CrossFit drama chasing me at home too.
This was a pretty good start, but far from enough to escape from the endless CrossFit spam generated by that woman.
One time I was asked to lift another stupid box full of plastic garbage. It didn’t look heavy at all, probably 15 kilos top. When I lift light objects, I don’t really think about proper form unless I have some sort of nagging pain that needs babysitting. Therefore, I lifted the damn thing using the worst possible technique – back flexed all the way.
All rules of lifting were broken that day. This annoying specimen saw that as an opening and decided to school me how heavy lifting is supposed to be done. Since I don’t look like I lift, my coworkers didn’t know I was extremely well informed on the subject. When people don’t see something, they usually assume it does not exist.
The bitch started screaming: “Oh…what are you doing, idiot! You are not lifting with proper form. Your back will be destroyed.” Then she followed it with a long explanation how you must lift with your legs and not your back. I guess somebody who doesn’t know a thing or two about lifting could find this talk enjoyable, but for me it was quite irritating. She was talking so fast that insane amount of spit was coming out of her mouth. Disgusting! The fact that her teeth looked worse than a can opened with a spoon did not help much either.
In my mind I was like: “Calm down, I am not lifting the fridge, bitch. No need to school me, I can see how phony you are in reality.” However, I said nothing. I didn’t want problems, because CrossFit bitches are well known back stabbers who do crazy things behind your back and suck up to the boss to get a promotion.
Of course, I understand that this characteristic is technically not connected to CrossFit, but it was true for this particular CrossFit bitch. Think about it – you can’t be a complete CrossFit bitch, unless you are a real life bitch too.
CrossFit seems to be a magnet for pretentious individuals who desperately want to be part of a mainstream group. It almost feels like the brand is messing with people’s heads and consuming their personalities. Nobody tries to see what really hides behind the name. All people care about is being fashionable and live according to social media standards.
One day I accidentally met that poor soul in the kitchen. I was very thirsty and this forced me to stay a little longer. She was preparing a super healthy mix – berries, cherries, apples, vinegar….The damn thing was a bomb for your stomach, but I guess it was considered healthy by some CrossFit maniacs. I decided to drink tap water because the mineral bottles were too damn hot. This is when another lecture took place.
“Why are you drinking tap water,” asked the CrossFit bitch with a condescending ton.
I knew my answer was going to be irrelevant, because she was planning on repeating some nonsense taken from a forum visited mainly by health nuts with ugly teeth.
“Cause it’s colder,” I replied.
“Don’t you know they put fluoride in tap water in order to mess with your mind,” said the CrossFit bitch.
I was well aware what she was talking about. I know about the tap water conspiracy and how it’s supposed to calcify your third eye and make you a “slave”. I never fully bought that theory, although I am a known conspiracy theorist.
I am not saying there isn’t garbage in the water. There probably is. Neverthless, people have been acting like slaves way before there was tap water to begin with. A lot of basic principles have remained the same for centuries. Some are still more equal than others, and the little man is always owned one way or another. In other words, I don’t think tap water is the main reason for our degradation.
Therefore, my reply was:
“I know, but I follow the 90/10 rule,” I said while avoiding eye contact.
I also thought about closing my nose because her garbage mix smelled terrible. The incredible odor was enhanced by the grandma perfume she had obviously stolen.
“What’s that,” asked…you know who.
“It’s simple. You eat about 90% good food and leave the rest 10% for all kinds of garbage.”
“This sounds terrible. I can never live knowing consciously that I am not 100% devoted to my goal. I go all the way. That’s what CrossFit taught me – no pain, no gain”
At this point I couldn’t take it anymore and said: “Yeah, right”, although “Bitch, please!” was way more appropriate. I was little back then.
“I don’t know about losers like you, but I always go all the way until I collapse,” she replied while hugging her acid mixture.
Then, she lifted the large cup towards the sky, as if it was Simba a.k.a the Sun, turned around and got out. The phony particles she left in the air remained noticeable for quite some time.