It was one of those summers without summer – in simpler words: it was raining all the time. Little Johnnie was in front of the computer watching the latest episode of Suits eating hazel nuts. At one point he looked at his arm and thought: ‘Those 11 inches pipes are awesome, but I need to make them even more ‘swol’. Maybe 12.5 inches will be enough for the ladies?’ Johnnie put the hazel nuts down, minimized the movie player and went online to search for ways to get his arms swollen.
There were quite a lot of routines. Some were even promising one inch increase in a day, but Johnnie new better. He was already reading underground sites like NattyOrNoWay.com or something like that and knew that many of the people with big arms were also using anabolic steroids. Johnnie was raised by a single hard working mother and he wasn’t one of those guys that would cheat to get ahead. He hated steroids but he knew that the secret to growth was increase of testosterone. Luckily, there were a lot of testosterone boosters on the market promising spectacular results.
The next day Johnnie went to the store and asked:
‘Do you have any good testosterone boosters?’
‘Sure. We can offer you Bear Beast Crocodile Test for 12.99 and Godzilla Testicles for 29.99?’
‘Which one is better?’
‘Godzilla Testicles is known for it’s quality.’, said the seller. She moved a little closer to Johnnie and whispered right next to his ear: ‘Trust me. My boyfriend has been taking Godzilla Testicles for a few months now and we’ve changed three beds already.’
Johnnie look at her a little suspicious. He couldn’t help but notice that she had excellent breasts. Not too big, not too small, not too saggy, not too high, exactly the right color and the nipples appeared to be just fine from what was visible through the clothing.
‘Godzilla Testicles it is then.’, said Johnnie.
Johnnie went home and on the way back read the label of his new supplement many times.
Was he finally going to get them big muscles?
He opened the box and took his first dose of Godzilla Testicles. Even though he was educate enough to know that nothing was supposed to happen the first few days he felt like he was already getting bigger. It was the best feeling in the world – almost as good as c****.
A few weeks passed. Johnnie was feeling stronger in the gym and somewhat braver on the street. He felt like Godzilla Testicles were already doing wonders but there was one problem. He wasn’t sure whether all of this was not due to the good old placebo effect. His measurements were not improving at all. That’s why decided to ask one of the big guys in the gym on the subject.
‘Hey, bro! I started taking some test boosters but I am not sure, if it’s working.’
‘What ya taking?’
‘Yummy…..dude ur probably just not taking enough. I’ve taken test boosters since I was like 17 and have had to up the dose every couple months. I go through like 3 bottles a month but whats the point of living if u don’t have muscles at least as big as mine?’
‘Nice’, said Johnnie and went back the store to get some more Godzilla Testicles. He took 3 more boxes and got a 20% discount plus a nice smile from the bimbo with the perfect ‘poitrine’.
Johnnie started taking about three times the recommended dose and after two months of religious intake of Godzilla Testicles he finally felt secure enough to check his improvements in the mirror. He looked pretty much the same. He couldn’t believe it but in order to be sure that he made no progress he decided to measure his arms – still 11 inches.
Johnnie got real mad as shown in the gif below. He felt strong enough to take the whole city down. Maybe the positive effects from the test booster Godzilla Testicles were supposed to kick in after you’ve learned that it fails to deliver the expected results? Who knew? What a sick tactic…
Johnnie decided to seek revenge. He used Google Maps to find the address of the company producer and went straight to the headquarters.
‘Hello! My name is Johnnie. I want my money back.’
The woman at the reception pointed to a map on which was indicated that all reclamations were accepted at the third floor. She didn’t even look at Johnnie while the computer was constantly making that irritating sound from the Facebook chat.
Johnnie went to the third floor.
‘Hey, suit! I want my money back.’, said Johnnie to the guy in a blue suit who was most likely the person accepting reclamations.
‘Do you have before and after pictures?’
‘Yes. They are not with me but I can send them to you via e-mail.’
‘Cool. We will examine them and determine whether you deserve your money back or not. Now get the fuck out of here. I’m busy.’
‘What a jerk!’, thought Johnnie.
Before going home he decided to use the rest room because it was a long trip. He has never actually read it but he was pretty sure that holding it was not going to help him get bigger muscles.
While Johnnie was in the rest room doing his thing two guys entered. They were chatting:
‘How are you, Harvey!’
‘I am fine. Did you bring it all?’
‘Yes. I hope this is enough.’
There was a moment of silence. Most likely that guy Harvey was looking at something:
‘This is not enough.’
‘But you can clearly see that Godzilla Testicles is in violation.’
‘I can see that Godzilla Testicles is in violation. They are selling products that elevate the testosterone levels but the change is so minuscule that it does not come with the advertised muscle mass and shredded body.’
‘Isn’t this what you asked for? You wanted me to find some dirt and I did. Now you are telling me it’s not enough?’
‘It doesn’t matter. This is not enough and they can easily play the genetics card and say that their clients are not getting the expected results because of sucky genetics. Also they can just remove the claims that the products add muscle mass and just stick to the fact that the testosterone levels increase. They will be fine because this is in fact true. At the same time people will continue to buy their products because on paper more testosterone equals more muscle.’
‘But their products are a pile of garbage.’
‘So, what? A jury made out of ectomorphs may believe it but they are powerful enough to buy their way out and avoid the court anyway.’
‘I though you were the best, Harvey.’
‘I am the best but the law is the law and sometimes it works against you.’
‘You better try to figure something out or we’re screwed.’
‘Maybe I can help you!’, said Johnnie.
Harvey and the other man looked at each other both thinking – ‘There’s someone listening to us?’
Harvey start opening all toilets until he finally found where Johnnie was. He grabbed him by the neck and said:’
‘Look at me you little *************************. You better start talking sense or I am going to sue you for corporate espionage.’, said Harvey.
‘Chill, bro. I want those guys down as much as you do. I have a cool idea how to take them down. You said that their product promote test level increase but it’s minuscule that there is no actual muscle growth. What if we organize a campaign showing before and after pictures of people who have taken Godzilla Testicles for a few months? We can upload them on that site…what was it….nattyornoway.com? That way people would be able to see what’s really going on.’
‘That’s actually not a bad idea. This will drive the shares of Godzilla Testicles into the ground. Who are those guys from NattyOrNoWay.com?’, replied Harvey.
‘Some little shmucks who expose fake natural bodybuilders. They will probably do it for free.’, replied the other man. Harvey let go of Johnnie.
The law firm of Harvey contacted NattyOrNoWay.com the very same day and was able to negotiate the following deal: the site was going to do the campaign for free but under one condition – Harvey Spectrusterone had to take the company as a client and protect them against all the enraged fake natties who have been missing a lot of sleep since the launch of the site. The rest is history.
All characters and companies appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, companies and firms is purely coincidental.