Little Johnnie was in front of the computer watching the latest episode of Suits while eating hazelnuts. At one point, he looked at his arm and thought – “Those 11-inch pipes are awesome, but I need to make them even more swol. Maybe 12.5 inches will be enough for the ladies,” said Johnnie, put the hazelnuts down, minimized the movie player and went online to search for ways to get his arms swollen.
He found many routines backed by big claims. Some were even promising an inch in a day, but Johnnie new better. He was already reading underground sites like NattyOrNoWay.com and knew that many people with big arms were using anabolic steroids.
Johnnie was raised by a single hard working mother and wasn’t one of those guys that would cheat to get ahead. He hated steroids but knew that the secret to growth was testosterone. Luckily, there were a lot of testosterone boosters on the market promising spectacular results naturally.
The next day Johnnie went to the store and asked:
“Do you have any good testosterone boosters?”
“Sure. We can offer you Bear Beast Crocodile Test for 12.99 and Godzilla Testicles for 29.99?”
“Which one is better?”
“Godzilla Testicles is known for its quality”, said the seller, moved a little closer to Johnnie and whispered in his ear. “Trust me. My boyfriend has been taking Godzilla Testicles for a few months now. We’ve replaced three beds already.”
Johnnie gave her a look full of suspicion. He couldn’t help but notice that she had excellent breasts. Not too big, not too small, not too saggy, not too high. They were the perfect color, and the nipples appeared to be just fine from what was visible through the clothing.
“Godzilla Testicles it is then,” said Johnnie, took the box and went home. On the way back, he read the label of his new supplement many times.
As soon as he entered his room, he opened the box and took his first dose of Godzilla Testicles. Even though he was educated enough to know that nothing was supposed to happen the first few minutes, he felt bigger.
A few weeks passed. Johnnie was stronger in the gym and braver on the street. The Godzilla Testicles were seemingly working as advertised, except for one problem. Johnnie’s measurements were not improving at all. Hence he asked one of the big guys in the gym for advice.
“Hey, bro! I started taking some test boosters, but I am not sure if it’s working.”
“What ya taking?”
‘Yummy…..dude, you are probably not taking enough. I’ve been taking test boosters since I was like 17. The key is to take three times as much as prescribed. I go through like 3 bottles a month.”
“Nice”, said Johnnie and went back the store to get some more Godzilla Testicles. He took 3 more boxes and got a 10% discount plus a nice smile from the bimbo with the perfect poitrine.
Johnnie started taking three times the recommended dose, and after two months of religious intake of Godzilla Testicles, he finally felt secure enough to check his improvements in the mirror. He looked pretty much the same. He couldn’t believe it. To be sure, measured his arms – still 11 inches.
Johnnie got real mad. He felt strong enough to take the whole city down.
Who knows? Maybe the positive effects from the test booster Godzilla Testicles were supposed to kick in the moment the user learns that the product cannot deliver the expected results?
Johnnie decided to seek revenge. He used Google Maps to find the address of the company and went straight to the headquarters.
“Hello! My name is Johnnie. I want my money back.”
The woman at the reception pointed to a map indicating where the reclamation office was. She didn’t even look at Johnnie. The whole time her smartphone was emitting the annoying sounds of the Messenger app.
Johnnie went to the third floor.
“Hey, suit! I want my money back.”, said Johnnie to a guy in a blue suit sitting in the middle of the room.
“Do you have before and after pictures?”
“Yes. They are on my phone. I can send them to you right away.”
“Cool. We will examine them and determine whether you deserve your money back or not. Now get the fuck out of here. I’m busy.”
“What a jerk”, thought Johnnie.
Before going home, he decided to use the restroom because it was a long trip.
While Johnnie was in the restroom doing his thing, two guys entered.
They were chatting:
“How are you, Harvey!”
“I am fine. Did you bring it all?”
“Yes. I hope this is enough.”
А moment of silence. Harvey was looking at something:
“This is not enough.”
“But you can clearly see that Godzilla Testicles is in violation.”
“I can see that. They are selling products that elevate the testosterone levels, but the change is too minuscule to impact muscle construction.”
“Isn’t this what you asked for? You wanted me to find dirt, and I did. Now, you are telling me it’s not enough!?
“It doesn’t matter. They can easily play the genetics card and say that their customers are not getting the expected results because of sucky genetics. Also, they can just remove the claims that the products add muscle mass and stick to the fact that the testosterone levels increase.”
“But their products are a pile of garbage.”
“So, what? A jury made out of ectomorphs may believe it, but they are powerful enough to buy their way out and avoid the court anyway.”
“I thought you were the best, Harvey.”
“I am the best, but the law is the law and sometimes it works against you.”
“You better try to figure something out or we’re screwed.”
“Maybe I can help you!’, said Johnnie.
Harvey and the other man looked at each other.
Harvey grabbed Johnnie by the neck and said:
“Look at me you little *************************. You better start talking sense or I am going to sue you for corporate espionage”, said Harvey.
“Chill, bro. I want those guys down as much as you do. I have a cool idea how to take them down. You said that their products spike testosterone, but the boost is too little to induce a meaningful effect, right? What if we organize a campaign showing before and after pictures of people who have taken Godzilla Testicles? We can upload them on that site…what was it….nattyornoway.com? That way people would know.”
“That’s actually not a bad idea. This will drive the shares of Godzilla Testicles into the ground. Who are those guys from NattyOrNoWay.com”, replied Harvey.
“Some little shmucks who expose fake natural bodybuilders. They will probably do it for free”, replied the other man.
Harvey let go of Johnnie.
The law firm of Harvey contacted NattyOrNoWay.com the very same day and came up with the following deal – the site was going cooperate for free, but under one condition – Harvey Spectrusterone had to protect the site against the enraged fake natties.
Note: All characters and companies appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, companies, and firms is purely coincidental.