A downside of being a teenager is that you lack experience. You don’t know what works and what doesn’t, and that makes you easily controlled. When you add the classic teenage crisis you have a recipe for disaster.
One of the most frequently chosen ways to prove your manhood as a teenager is to become more muscular to intimidate the boys and get some female attention. There are smart people who are well aware of that phenomenon and they are willing to exploit it in order to make a buck. It’s a well known fact that the majority of the money in the fitness industry comes from the beginners who are eager to get big. This is also why teenagers are among the first to get the short end of the stick.
Why are teenagers always so stupid?
A quick look around at a playground reveals that parents like to spoil their kids and usually treat them as retards since a very young age. In addition, children are taught to live in a fairy tale world full of flowers and rainbows where there story always ends with a happy ending. The years pass and soon the kid is a teenager who is becoming more conscious about the ego driven world around.
Unfortunately, teenagers often remain unprepared for what’s waiting for them. Quite simply they are not ready for the so-called real world. That unpreparedness is transmitted from generation to generation. The goal of every parent is to keep his children in a state of ignorance for as long as possible. After all, who wants to be a part of such stupid and cruel world? It makes no sense. It’s better to stay a child forever, isn’t it?
One of the ways to prepare your child for the world is to just tell the truth – the human world constitutes of pieces of shits willing to do almost anything to make a buck and if something sounds too good to be true, it often is.
Mom, I need to build muscle. I want to be a real man.
Pretty much every teenager starts lifting weights in order to be more manly. What’s manlier than having big arms for the girls to hold on to? There is no such thing. That’s why in order to become a real man the average teenager starts stealing his mom’s money in order to buy questionable powders under the code name creatine and whey protein. After all, the biggest guy in the gym told him that those are the secret to growth, along with Joe Weider’s training principles of peace, of course. That’s why most teenagers are willing not to eat in order to buy themselves supplements. A little bit ironic, isn’t it?
Some time passes by and the teenager fails to see the muscle that he wants so badly. The guys on the labels and in the magazines have much more muscle mass than him even though he probably bought enough protein powder boxes to make a small house.
Where is the problem? Maybe the brand needs to be changed because the body has already adapted to this one?
At this moment the teenager who dreams of big biceps on nightly basis usually goes online and starts searching for that secret supplement that ‘makes’ you real huge, real fast.
The teenager goes from one thing to another, but nothing seems to work. This is when the teenager starts asking questions: ‘Was it all a lie?’
Hey, fuckers! I want my money back!
Once the teenagers realizes that he’s been sort of hustled, he starts complaining in public and on online Internet forums. He is mad and he wants his money back. After all. those USD 20 000 could have been invested in something much more beneficial than whey protein a.k.a. pig food.
The big guy’s response is that he probably missed his anabolic window and that’s why he failed to build ’em big muscles. After receiving this important piece of information the teenager has something new to work on. He immediately starts googling ‘anabolic window‘ on his smart-phone made be a satanic company with a bitten apple as a logo.
After a quick search he learns that PhD Mr. Natural Bodybuilder says that the best time to take whey protein is 20.345 minutes after you’ve completed your last set. If you take your whey protein shake at 20.321, you are doomed to fail and to remain as small as an insect for the rest of your life. The teenager has now found the secret to growth – the anabolic window.
A few months pass buy and the teenager starts flexing in front of every mirror in expectations for unknown muscle to start popping out. So far, the only thing new is that he learned how to use the stopwatch on his smart-phone in order to take his whey protein shake exactly 20.345 minutes after his last set has been completed. What now?
The angry teenager is now really mad because the anabolic window has failed. What is the problem? Are his genetics that bad that he can’t get as big as Frank Zane naturally? It seems that every natural bodybuilder and their grandma are doing it. Why can’t he? ‘FML’ and fuck mommy and daddy for giving me such horrible genetics for getting big!, writes the angry teenager as a Facebook status after cracking one off. ‘Even porn actors are bigger than me…’, is thinking the teenager while observing his recently acquired forearm pump.
Maybe you just need more supplements?
After failing so hard to build them big guns the teenager starts reading self-help books. In one of those books his eyes meet a very profound quote:
‘Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.’
This quote made by Thomas A. Edison a.k.a. the guy who stole everything from Nikola Tesla, hits the teenager like that brick from the movie Home Alone.
This is why the teenager goes back to the health store and buys every supplement under the Sun: protein, creatine, amino acids, vitamins, minerals, specific vitamins, zinc, magnesium calcium, fish oil, pre-workout drinks, weight gainers, anaconda, vertigo, muscle milk, gatorade, glutamine…etc. Than he goes back home happy with his new purchases. On the way back he is, of course, dreaming of walking in the center of the town with a 10/10 girl holding on to his massive + shredded arm.
The teenager starts taking his new candies religiously and a few months pass by. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing. Even the guys on forums fail to see progress in his before and after photos. Was the teenager screwed one more time by the system? Was he milked so hard for nothing? He trained so hard and took his supplements and this is all he gets in return? Empty bottles and extensive experience with stomach discomfort?
Did you get some sleep, honey?
The big guys in the gym say that the formula for getting big is: LIFT, EAT, SLEEP, REPEAT. So far the teenager has tried to improve his lifting and eating as much as possible, but his sleep is not perfect. Part of it is that he spends too much time on Internet forums trying to find the secret to getting massive and shredded. That and one other thing are the reason why getting enough sleep seems to be a big obstacle for the average teenager.
So, what do you do when you have trouble sleeping? You go to the supplement store to buy some sleeping supplements. That’s exactly what the teenager did and on the way back he also bought some ear buds and sleeping blinds.
It seemed that the sleeping supplements were working because the teenager was able to sleep for about 8 hours straigth. Of course, he wasn’t sure whether the effect from the supplements was placebo or reality, but whatever the case the extra hours of sleep were fact. The teenager even added an extra nap through out the day because he read on the Internet that this is one of the secrets to get heavily muscled as a natural bodybuilder.
After about 3 months of hardcore sleeping the teenager usually decides to look in the mirror and see who’s who. Well, there was nobody there – just his old little muscles. The same ones that he had prior to his sleeping marathon. In other words, regardless of what he tried he failed. Once again the teenager blamed it on his genetics and was pretty mad that there were no supplements facilitating genetic changes.
What was he going to do know? Everything was tried, but the muscle never arrived.
Maybe it was time to finally call it quits and pick up chess or Starcraft 2?
Taking the red pill
At one point or another the teenager has to grow up and realize that everything he thought about bodybuilding was a lie, and that the magic powders in the fancy bottles sold by hot women in health stores are nothing more than pig food in a bottle. They don’t have magical properties of any kind and are only good when your jaw is broken and you cannot consume solid food.
The ‘research’ which backs many of the positive claims surrounding the bodybuilding supplement market is sponsored by the supplement companies. It’s a cool little scheme used in every aspect of the human world – the rich men are sponsoring both sides of the war in order to have control over everything and to ensure that they will be the ones who end up on top while the rest are left licking their wounds without even realizing what actually hit them.
Once you take the red pill you will feel lonely because nobody around you will understand. People prefer to believe that the movie they’ve been living in is real. It’s not, it’s just that everybody is taking it too seriously and it looks realistic but it’s all one big disguise.
If you go and visit the Facebook page of any popular fitness model or professional bodybuilder, it will have thousands of likes. However, that does not mean that everything that person says is correct nor good. Never forget that the masses have really hard time separating propaganda from reality. Be prepared to meet a lot of criticism once you start exposing the wrongs in the fitness world or any other life sector for that matter.
So, do I need supplements at all?
Probably not. A little supplementation is somewhat fine but anything other than whey protein, vitamins and fish oil seems to be excessive. Also, be very careful with following recommendations coming from supplement companies. They are always trying to make you believe that you need more than you think and missing your precious 20 grams of protein will make your muscle turn into air.
Believe it or not this could reach severe consequences and there are bodybuilders who can’t sleep right and feel guilty, if they miss their usual pre-bed protein shake. Yes, it happens more often than you think. Catabolic paranoia is real and spreads fast among muscle worshipers.
However, you can do just fine without ever taking a single supplement. It will not hold you back. You should know by now that modern bodybuilders owe their physical development to the massive amounts of drugs they take and not to any kind of supplements. If supplements were effective, they would be illegal.
The ironic part is that it’s not uncommon for a professional bodybuilder to not use even the products endorsed by him/her. Bodybuilders that were able to reach the professional echelons are quite aware of the fact that drugs is where it’s at. They don’t care about stinking protein powder. The know it’s just dust in the eyes of the public and one of the few ways to monetize bodybuilding because in order to make money in this world you need to sell a product and/or a service.
The next time you are stealing money from your mom’s purse in order to buy whey protein, say the following:
Mom, please forgive me that I am stealing from you to buy pig food. I really want them big muscles.