Squats Made My Legs So Huge That I Can’t Find Jeans Anymore

Dedicated to those who ”can’t find pants” that fit after squatting for 3 months.

You’ve read about it on the Internet.

You’ve read about it in the sacred muscle books.


You’ve heard others talk about it. You were also told there are alive witnesses.

You wanted to be one of them and signed the contract.

You followed the instructions to the letter. You put in the effort. You never missed a workout.

You were there when others were discount hunting in the mall.

You were there when there was Yeti approved snow blocking the gym.

You were there when people were evaporating from the heat outside.

You were there when you were rich and when you were broke.

You were there when Becky said No to your proposal.

You were there when Becky’s friend said No as well.

You were there when your leg broke because you know holding the squat rack is better than a doctor.

You were there when others were chasing skirts.

You were there slaving to your ambition, while others were slaving to ungrateful bosses.

You kept on going there even though your family called you crazy.

You wanted to persevere until the end, because this is what real men do.

You kept on lifting and lifting until your legs had turned into bio-forklifts.

You kept on pushing and pushing until every bone in your body had learned that heavy squatting is more important to you than walking in a straight line.

You kept on trying even though the bar was saying No.

You kept on grinding and grinding until there was blood on your face.

You didn’t give up even when gravity was whispering Die, Die, Die in your ear.

You kept on coming back because PRs were the only thing keeping you alive.

You were writing in your journal as though higher powers were guiding you.

You ignored everything else because there is no point in a squatless life.

You wanted to be a doer, not a spineless creature living in the movies and the books.

You didn’t listen to the haters trying to put you down.

You were on a mission that the modern nation of eBay hunters and plastic gatherers could never comprehend.

Your faith was increasing as you were getting closer to the end.

You were becoming a stronger version of yourself despite your fears.

Your pride upgraded when others couldn’t recognize you anymore.

”My new strength & mass scare them,” you thought.

The final was close and you were feeling anxious.

”Is this really the end? Am I going to succeed,” you asked yourself and tried to slow down time in your mind because you knew the chase is better than the catch.

You had become accustomed to the pain and didn’t want to let it go. You’ve married it and formed a a lifetime union.

”I would rather be dead than live without squat induced pain,” you wrote in your journal.

You wanted the dream to be infinite because all ends are sad, but part of you was still curious.

You wanted to know how the movie ends.

On the last day of the program you woke up like it were your birthday, but it was better – you had gotten not older but stronger.

You went to the wooden wardrobe, took a pair of your favorite jeans and started dressing.

Something wasn’t right.

”Did somebody stole my jeans,” you wondered for a second before realizing that heavy squats were the reason.

”Your legs are massive know. There are no jeans that can fit you. You did it,” said a voice in your head.

You went in front of the mirror, because you wanted to see the final scene of the film.

The reflection hit you like a bat – there was a potato in the mirror.

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You had gotten fat not big.

But you decided that fat is muscle and typed ”jeans for heavy squatters” in Google.

The rest you know all too well.

11 comments

  1. Hammerstrike13

    Hahaha, I’ve been squatting for 9 months… putting up multiple sets of 5 of 300 lbs, and went from flat ass to bubble butt and tree trunk legs. Meanwhile, I’ve gone from wearing bootcut Dockers at 32×30 to athletic cut Dockers at 32×30 because the former were getting far too tight… and that was several months ago.

    This is some funny satire. At least, I hope it is satire. I can’t take the rest of this site seriously if you think doing such requires steroid use. xD

  2. I Art Laughing

    Haha. Low-T. I had to wear pleated pants in High School and they wouldn’t even let me in the gym. I did it cycling while leading my teams as a distance runner. Back then I weighed 180 lbs @ 5’11”. Then my shoulders filled out and I have seen 200 lbs since.

    Cutting at 240 lbs (still 5’11”) and measuring 18% body fat which would land me at 220 & 10%. Must be all the drugs I’m not taking.

    Long story short not everyone is a hard gainer.

      1. I Art Laughing

        Only problem with that is that you are going to revert to your feedback loop and insist that my results are not natural. It was a bitch being a mesomorph distance athlete, I always envied the ectomorphs. Genes matter.

          1. I Art Laughing

            I’ve been at “optimum” BMI before once when I was very sick. I looked like I belonged in a concentration camp liberation photo.

            I was noticing a pattern with your posts. If a guy is ripped in a photo they are on gear, if the photo was taken pre-gear then it doesn’t count (for some reason).

            Your results may vary.

  3. BoomShankar

    “jeans for heavy squatters”
    All those fitness sites for women trying to grow a bigger ass in the results… Makes you think.

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