On my way to the bus station I passed by a toilet shop with a huge window and did what many victims of the lifting game do – I started scanning my reflection for abnormal muscle development. I had to keep the scan short because people working in the store started looking at me as if I’d just called their fat mother fat.
The aformentioned activity could be a rather harmful habit. Nevertheless, it’s really difficult to stop when your mind has been working on a muscle appreciating frequency for so long.
Later I found myself on the local bus which offers an experience that makes you question the importance of your existence on this planet. The temperatures felt tropical, and the lack of fresh air started testing my patience. My frustration accelerated because my mafioso sunglasses were not with me. The sun is cruel.
I turned my head to the left and saw a man with huge muscles holding a beige chihuahua. Then I looked to the other side while my overheated brain was slowly processing this otherworldly image.
“Wait, what the hell was that?”
I didn’t realize that I’d just seen a walking muscle monument until a few seconds later. At that point, I immediately redirected my lasers towards the peculiar subject begging to be analyzed by a critical mind.
The guy was a typical captain upper body. He had it all – enormous arms coupled with invisible calves smaller than his forearms. As expected, he was also a representative of generation shaved legs and had a Renaissance haircut too. Somewhat ironically, the guy was using his incredibly muscular arms to hold a small dog – chihuahua. The way I see it, chihuahuas are dogs suffering from a severe small dick complex. They compensate for it with endless barking. I can see why bodybuilders can be attracted to similar animals.
His colorful tank top had Ibiza House Party written on it. I guess this muscle hero was frequenting pool parties to showcase his thick muscle fibers. The memorable styling was completed by a classic fanny pack, Men In Black sunglasses, boy scout pants, half-socks and a large phone.
I would bet a lot of money that the whole bus was feeling the guy’s aroma too. It was one of those provocative perfumes which have one main goal – to tell everybody that you are using it. Now that I think about it, it smelled like apple cider mixed with oranges.
The appearance of this specimen made me wonder how ordinary people see bodybuilders and lifters in general. Individuals like this certainly don’t negate the popular belief that bodybuilders are shallow metrosexual meatheads trying to compensate for their insecurities by building an enormous amount of muscle mass and putting it all on display.
Then, the lawyer in my head woke up, and we started arguing:
“People have the right to do as they please with their bodies. Don’t you get it? I know that you never finished college, but are you really that stupid? This guy has the right to walk around in mankini if he desires to. Who are you to tell him what to do? Hatin’ much?”
“Nice try, motherfucker! I understand that people have the right to do whatever they want to their bodies, but I also have the right to say what I think about it. Forgot about free speech?”
“Why do you think your opinion is so important?”
“If my opinion wasn’t important, why do I get so many hate messages?”
“Because you are a hater talking nonsense?”
“Try harder. It’s because the truth hurts.”
The muscle champ and his chihuahua friend started walking towards the bus door and put an end to the mental gymnastics in my head which were otherwise going to continue for a long time.
The man locked his phablet and proudly put it in his Porsche fanny pack which he was holding suspiciously tight. Nobody is that attached to a fanny pack unless it contains something really special. I suspect that he had growth hormone in it, but that’s pure speculation.
Thereupon, he grabbed the dog by the chin and turned its head towards his. They almost kissed but not quite. This is when that popular song Love Is All Around decided to return out of nowhere in my brain still suffering from a prolong movie and TV brainwashing.
This experience was kinda ridiculous because at the time I was actually listening to a bass boosted remix of a 2PAC song entitled Black Hawk Down.
The guy started walking towards the exit when the amazing happened. Since he was holding the dog in a semi-curl position, his vascular D-bol powered biceps flexed to the fullest. This got the attention of the passengers close to him. I detected successfully some serious appreciation coming from a girl that looked fairly attractive and smart enough to play Solitaire. Until that moment she was exercising her thumbs by chatting on her iPhone. However, once the guns got in her face, she couldn’t help but stop spreading bacteria over the small LCD screen. I believe I saw a subtle drop of her jaw too. It was just a few millimeters, but it was real. One could only speculate where this was headed if the circumstances were different.
Unfortunately, or not, the guy was not loved by all passengers. There were some mixed feelings coming from the male dogs. An old man looked at him from head to toe. His facial expression was clear – “You can’t fool me with your air muscles! Back in my day…”
Some passengers who were in the way felt threatened by the passing gorilla. They kept their heads down and quickly moved away from the doors. The self-preservation instinct in them was talking. Big muscles are simply intimidating in the animal kingdom.
A nerd holding a laptop bag decided to beg the mean chihuahua for some love and touched it. In reality, this was just a diversion from his real goal. He was actually trying to sign a peace contract with the muscle monster. “I am nice and love your dog so much. Please, don’t hammer me, Mr. Biceps!”
The Hulk from Ibiza got off at the next stop. He was holding his dog like a trophy and walking like the emperor of the world. Yet I could see an invisible cage around him. It was the personal prison that we all have. It’s called your own little world.
This experience revealed to me how people see muscle maniacs – some love them; some see through the fake; some are simply scared of the size and prefer to keep their distance.