Dedicated to the guy who sent me 29 messages entitled: “How much do you squat, moron?”
I was sitting at my desk, eating acne inducing food, when finally something in me broke and I gave up all resistance: “This is it. I am going to the gym. I want to get big.” I got ready in 10 minutes and headed towards a local fitness & health club I knew from my days as a courier.
The place was still working. I paid for one workout and started looking for the locker room. While I was passing through the lifting room I saw the iron and experienced chills down my spine. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My muscles were finally going to get extraordinary.
There was a problem, however. I forgot to take clean training shoes with me, which was an explicit requirement of the facility. I didn’t want to argue with the manager because he had bad teeth and the chemical reactions taking place in his mouth were producing odor that even the so-called professional chewing gums sitting on his desk were unable to fix. Thankfully, I was already well educated on the subject and knew what to do – go barefoot. The gurus told me this is the way I was created to do squats and deadlifts.
The second I stepped on the gym floor, I realized that even the street outside is cleaner than this underground metal storage, but it didn’t matter that much. I was on a mission and my adrenaline was escalating. I was getting closer and closer to my dream – muscles. This crazy morning was special and nobody was going to save the weights from my anger. Epic 40 kilos squats were incoming.
This was the first time I touched a barbell. It was rusty, but it felt nice to me. I could feel strength transferring into my arms by just holding the metal. I didn’t have a set routine, but decided to do some squats, followed by overhead presses and deadlifts. I put the iron on my back and started bending my knees. It felt better than driving a Ferrari. I felt like I was the commander of a spaceship.
Around me were two losers toying with stupid stuff like walking lunges and biceps curls on an incline bench. “Total losers who don’t know what they are doing,” I said to myself.
I decided to stick with the classics – 5 sets of 5.
Every second of every rep I was getting closer and closer to that functional muscle everybody was talking about on the Internet. I was very serious this time. No retreat!
I had no idea that I was going to become some sort of a squat lunatic, but it happened. The next time I was in the gym I brought a silent helper – a cheap keychain camera. I had no other camera and this is what I used to record some of my very first training sessions. I still have those videos stored on an old hard drive.
I dedicated close 18 months to squats and about 10 to pure hardcore bulking. All I received in return was an injured hip and fat waist. The whole “grow like a flower” thing did not happen for me, and even my legs remained pretty small despite trying to be a shock absorber for so long. This is when I knew there is a squat conspiracy going on. I felt played by the squat mafia. Therefore, I started doing my own analysis and came up with a set of questions that needed an urgent explanation. The answers that I prepared for myself are neck breaking and could potentially make members of the squat cult mad enough to break their monitors or iFones down to atomic nuclei, and then go to the old squat rack and say: “Squat Lord, say it isn’t so, please.”
Question 1: The Squat – Modern Form Of Medieval Torture Or Otherworldly Mass Building Wonder?
While my personal experience indicates that the squat is a form of non-productive medieval torture which has been preserved to this days due to people’s inability to think critically and see through the hype, I knew there was more to the story. Just because it didn’t happen for me, it doesn’t mean others can’t take advantage and “make it rain”.
I looked around for people who love squatting and are seeing some decent leg development from it. Ironically, most lifters who were able to satisfy this criteria were hobbits. In their kingdom, the squat was king and rightfully so. Those guys are able to stay upright when they squat and as a result their squats look like squats, not bitch bends. I could see why the hobbits have been admiring the squat for so many centuries. I guess it’s one of those things that soften the drama of being as tall as a car.
Question 2: Does the squat release more testosterone and growth hormone than reverse wrist curls?
The fitness gurus, most of which are hobbits, love to use excerpts of muscle building studies to form their collages. It’s true that most likely squats cause some testosterone spikes here and there, but the extra amount is too small to cause growth. So, your testosterone elevates for a few minutes every time you are squeezed by a barbell. Why are people making such big deal out of it?
For many years, I was interested in the following study: Squats Vs. Reverse Wrist Curls. Unfortunately, it is yet to happen, but I have prepared basic guidelines for people interested in conducting similar experiment.
You can use two groups of 10-15 males about the same age. One of the gangs does heavy squats three times a week, while the other sticks with a much easier exercise – reverse wrist curls with a bottle of 250 ml orange juice. Then, each 10 days the average testosterone levels of the males from both groups are tested. I doubt the squatters will report higher testosterone increase than the wrist curlers. If you want the experimentation to be really precise, you can use twins and put each one in a separate group. I think the results of this study may finally make the squat or die numskulls shut up about testosterone and growth hormone elevation caused by playing get-out-of-the-vise.
Question 3: Why are squatters hip flexor racists? Forgot about upside hanging reverse squats?
All you need to have strong legs is squatting, right?
I can see why people from Middle-earth want everyone to believe so, but this is not really the case. The squat does not develop your hip flexors at all. How can you call your legs strong when your hip flexors are so weak that you can’t lift your legs like Jet Li does in the video below. I don’t see people talking much about this fact when they put the squat on a pedestal. That’s because those guys are hip flexors racists. They consider those muscles unimportant and not manly.
Luckily, there’s a really simple way to fix this. One of the exercises you can do are reverse squats. Those are much more dangerous than your regular squats with a barbell, because you are upside down and if the upstairs neighbors decide to do one of those “don’t do this at home” things, you can fall and die in seconds. There’s always a risk when you are trying to accomplish something valuable.
Note: Exercise starts at 0:36. Many experience powerlifters cannot do a single reverse squat below parallel. Most do them like the man in the video.
One thing is certain – reverse squats are for the real men. Rumor has it 5×5 reverse squats are head exploders. All the blood goes into your head, the pressure elevates and your skull explodes.
I’ve never done those and don’t plan to, because I am scared to death. Nevertheless, I am not afraid to tell the truth. I don’t really want my eyes to be popping out.
I wish the hobbits had the courage to admit that the reverse squat is way tougher than the regular blood in the legs version.
Question 4: Does big and strong equal fat and weak in the vocabulary of the dedicated natural squatters?
Many natural squatters need to rethink their vocabulary. They love repeating how milk and squats made them big and strong, but all I see are fat weaklings who can barely squat 1.5 times their bodyweight for 5 reps. Ironically, when you weigh 120 kg, that’s about 180 kg, which may seem like a lot, but in reality it’s not. When you are decently fat, using a belt and half-squatting to parallel, this is not impressive strength.
All that comes from the squat & milk factories are fatsos who think that having a big fat gut is manly. To be fair, the exercise itself is not to blame in this case. It’s the stupid diet that comes with it that causes all that harm. Many hobbits are convinced that drinking milk is the best way to sustain long worship of your one and only king – the SQUAT.
Below I have translated properly a few phrases part of the doublespeak talk used by most squat preachers and their students:
get big and strong = get fat and weak;
real men squat = guys squat to feel like real men, although they may not be so real;
the squat is the only way to get really strong = I only squat therefore I don’t think;
squats and milk = bitch bends and stomach problems;
low bar squats = low bitch bends;
Question 5: How does it feel when nobody, except fat angry men with goatees, care how much you squat?
Normally, we should not be preoccupied with the opinion of others. If you want to squat with hands in the pockets, do it. You are free. However, I know very well that secretly many squat addicts are seeking admiration. They want to feel superior and in charge. “Look at my gut! I squat!”
That’s why those guys are heavily disappointed when the general population is not really impressed by males who like to put themselves under a barbell.
“I squat 400 pounds / 180 kg. I am a useful human being,” said Mr. BulkingHobbit.
“You do what,” asked the girl in daisy dukes.
“I put a barbell weighing 180 kg on my back, bend my legs and stand back up again. What’s so hard to understand”
“Ah, you are one of those powerbulkers?”
“You mean powerlifters?”
“Wanna touch my fat gut? I am now a useful human being. Harder to kill too.”
“Not in the mood,” said the girl and looked towards a skinny teenager who was weak and benching just the bar.
I guess the fact that the young boy was not scheduled to deliver in 3 weeks was a crucial factor in her choice.
“This shallow bitch doesn’t get it. I am tired of meeting girls who don’t understand that strength is the most important thing in the world. If they only knew how hard it is to eat all those cakes and drink all that milk….” was thinking Mr. BulkingHobbit.
Question 6: Is it so hard to understand that the squat is just an exercise and not everyone wants to make it the center of the universe?
You can be really good at something and suck at basic logic. I know a radio engineer who is a well educated genius and can do word class work in his field. Sadly, the guy becomes a complete tool when it comes down to evaluating simple situations. He gets ripped off on the street all the time. Once he bought some sort of a flashlight from a stranger without even testing it. He goes back home clicks and nothing happens. Darkness.
This reminds me of the enormous amount of people who are generally smart and yet lose their brains when fitness gurus with mesmerizing gravelly voices start talking about squats and barbell porn in general. The mouths open in amazement and all coherent thought evaporates as soon as the fitness guru starts using the classic catch phrases: “shut up and squat”, “motherfuckers”, “real men”.
One could say that this was the case with me too, but it didn’t take me that much time to realize how ridiculously stupid the squat entities are.
The squat is just a hip/leg/lowerback exercise. There is no magic and whatever the squat gives you it can be achieved through other methods too. Those guys don’t tell you that and make you feel like the squat is your only option.
Final question: Is the squat effective for muscle building or just an ego booster for hobbits?
The squat is effective for building muscle, but only if you are built for it, which happens to be the case for most hobbits. If you are not one, you won’t benefit as much.