This is an interview with a part of me that wanted to get bigger muscles. The interviewer is another part of me that works as a part-time shrink.

Why do you want to get big muscles?

Don’t know. I mean I know but these days don’t know is a synonym for I don’t want to tell you and it seems to fit here.

What if I hit you really hard?

I guess I will tell you a little more…if you hit me hard enough.


First, you hit like a bitch. Second, I wanted bigger muscles because bigger muscles are cool and equal strength in the eyes of the public. I am also a narcissist who wants to look good. I said it. Happy?

So, what were your expectations before you first got into this muscle building game?

Can you ask more intelligent questions? This is insulting.

It’s a standard procedure.

I see you have been watching way too much police movies. Torrent much?

Shut the fuck up and answer the damn question.

I was thinking that I will be one of those shredded men you see in fitness magazines. I was planning on having shredded abs and big muscles, which women were going to find very attractive. I think this is an obvious answer, but you are a pinhead. I should lower my expectations.

Did you think that building large muscles was going to make you invincible?

Yes, I thought so. That’s what the movies teach you, right? Arnie, big muscles, money, respect…the whole package. I was 100% convinced bigger muscles were going to make me less prone to attacks from the outside world. Still am to some degree.

What kind of attacks?

All sorts of attacks – from physical to mental. You see, when I first started out I was a total weakling. I remember going to the local monkey bars after reading the blog of a girl who got “big muscles” doing dips and pull-ups. I did 1.5 pull-ups and 3.2 dips. During the last 0.5 pull-up I felt like I was getting kissed by hungry wolves or something like that. Felt terrible.

At the same time in school there were guys who were already big as hell. Girls were loving them.

I would say those are pretty standard thoughts in the head of the typical brainwashed broke teen thinking that the world is way bigger than it is.

You mentioned mental attacks. What do you mean by that?

Those years were some of the weirdest ever. I remember applying for a job in a store for computer parts. I lied in my CV. I wrote that I have worked as a technician in a TV store when in fact all I did was visit a TV repair station which was in my building. I wanted to sound smart.

Anyway, so I was interviewed by two overconfident young bozos in suits. One of them took my attention because I could see the guy was lifting. He had huge forearms. They were shaved, of course, because at the time the metro sexuality was taking over big time.

Those guys started asking questions I couldn’t answer and made fun of me. I got mad because the position was nothing special.

You have to keep in mind that at the time I was soon to retire wannabe skateboarder with poor posture weighing 140 lbs at 6′. I thought that adding some size was the solution to earning respect in situations like this. It turned out to be more or less true.

In a nutshell you wanted to transform yourself from a beta bitch into a cock swinging alpha male by building bigger muscles?

Kinda. I never really understood all that cock swinging you are talking about. I wasn’t planning on becoming a male whore, if that’s what you are implying…

I am just saying that you sound like a little jellyfish afraid to walk outside. Did you really believe you can fix a problem without attacking it’s true cause? There are plenty of people who are skinny and have confidence.

I wanted to believe it was possible, but then I learned it takes much more. However, I am pretty sure working out helped me fix some of my insecurities directly and indirectly. Almost any goal that’s demanding will have positive impact on your life.

So, where are your muscles?

Well, that’s the thing. I don’t have big muscles and never will, at least as long as I stay natural. I don’t think I have the genetics to be big otherwise.

Is that what’s it all about? You failed? Are you trying to justify your epic fails and LoserVille citizenship with the fact that you are natural? I am pretty sure you would be pinning them glutes, if you had the courage, but you are just a nails biting beta bitch.

I get what you mean, but you can interpret things both ways. Maybe I have the courage to stay natural while others are selling their genitals for big biceps. Have you looked at things from this perspective?

I catch your drift but to me you just sound like a coward and low life loser. Sorry.

Fuck you.

Fuck you too.


Look, why are you trying to convince people that just because you are a complete loser and bottom feeder with 9 inch arms there aren’t individuals who can get monstrously big naturally?

Because I don’t believe the majority of the population has good genetics for muscle building either. There are people who can do much better than me, but the majority will be stuck at lower levels too.

Cool. Whatever helps you sleep well at night buddy.

Fuck you and I am not paying for this appointment. I thought therapists were supposed to make you feel better. I guess you just suck at it.

Not really. The best therapists are those who are going to help you see the truth faster instead of stealing your money by prolonging the treatment. Shrinks are much smarter than you when it comes to those things and can play you for months and maybe even years. Besides, I am a part of you. What benefits do I get from feeding you lies?

You want me to self-destruct.

How so?

It happens all the time. People self-destruct themselves every day. For some it’s smoking for others it’s bad thinking. You can be a mental masochist too. I think you are trying to turn me into one. I will call you Hannibal from now on. It fits your profile.

Are you really that stupid and delusional? I don’t like that movie. It kills my appetite for days.

You know what? Go fuck yourself. I did my time.

You did nothing.

I will smash you.

With your mice muscles?

No, with a hammer…{teeth grinding}

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