My name is TruthDealer.
I am the mentally unstable brain of the guy who writes for NattyorNot.com.
I am the one responsible for the increased rate of suicides among people aspiring to acquire massive muscles naturally.
I told those naive idiots that it can’t be done and presented rock solid evidence. The truth hurt them like an arrow in the chest. They quickly went haywire, and their hearts exploded as a result of heavy reality overdose. I didn’t care much, because at the time I was strong and didn’t let the bitch called compassion take the best of me. I remained solid and prevailed throughout the whole battle. Every day I was reading in the newspaper how naturals are dropping dead one by one, but the drama didn’t affect me. In fact, counting the bodies was great fun. But then something changed.
I got hacked and started to feel other people’s pain. Worse! I started feeling profound guilt.
Sleeping became an impossible task. While the rest of the organs were in rest mode, I was awake, and my only companion was the heartbeat of my owner. But that sound gave me neither consolation nor courage. It just made my guilt bigger. It made me feel like a beta.
Time, my biggest enemy, acted as a pain intensifier. Every day was more painful than the one before. On a few occasions, I made my owner dance half-naked under the persistence fall of heavy snowflakes. I did it to remain in the present and forget all the guilt accumulated in me. It worked well, but only for a second.
I knew I had to do better if I wanted to continue my existence in a meaningful way, but I was clueless. Just when I was about to give up and accept that I will simply become a mentally stable brain, I was hit by a profound revelation.
As it often happens, the key had been in front of me the whole time.
I simply had to buy my guilt by giving back to the world the hope I had taken away.
Today is the day I follow through on my decision.
I present to you a guide that will show you how to become an unrecognizably big natural bodybuilder.
It’s a step by step plan that could be incredibly effective if you persevere.
Step 1: Muscle Ego Destruction
The first step to becoming a huge, natural bodybuilder is simple, but also incredibly painful. Initially, the method may even appear counterintuitive to you, but don’t let your remotely controlled ego cloud your judgment. If you want to get big as a natural, you cannot neglect this step.
Remember that this part starts first but never ends. It’s a struggle that only a few can handle without going back to mommy.
The main goal of this phase is to demolish the fear of not being a perfect muscle constructor and learn to miss workouts when needed. This will hurt your muscle ego like nothing else, but you have to stay strong.
Over the years my owner gave me many opportunities to analyze a wide range of natural bodybuilders. I’ve been in many gyms ranging from underground facilities, where spitting on the floor mat makes it cleaner, to places where mob wives go to showcase the contrast between their yoga pants and thongs.
Back in the day, the guy knew no rest. Holidays, birthdays…it didn’t matter. If it was a training day, we were in a gym working on his dream. I will never forget the time when he was following Serge Nubret’s pump routine. It was Christmas morning, and we went out for a hamstring workout.
What was he thinking? Taking me out in the cold to satisfy his muscle building perversions!?
Unsurprisingly, our usual underground dungeon was closed. I guess most of the roid monkeys owning the gym were enjoying new syringes and testosterone bottles bought for them by their loving and understanding wives. My landlord didn’t give up, because skipping a workout was his biggest nightmare, and took me to a few other places. The doors were locked.
”Idiot, I told you everything will be closed today. Get me back home now. I am freezing. Where’s my hat,” I said to him on the way back. As proven by his next move, he had barely heard anything.
We were almost at the bus stop when my owner decided to go back and test his luck with another gym nearby.
I may be responsible for most of his memories, but this wasn’t one of them. At this stage of his life, he was too stupid to realize his mistakes, and I was slowly losing control over him. His heart was infected by the muscle virus, whereas his delusional ego pressured by large insecurities was making the fire bigger. Meanwhile, my powers were slowly diminishing.
30 minutes later we were standing in front of the gym. The architecture reminded me of a large Toblerone. The facility was essentially a long hall and had a triangular door. From where we were, it looked like the girl at the reception/protein bar was more than answering the sexual requirements of my owner. It was a relatively long walk, and we had to pass through the whole gym in order to reach the final destination. As expected, my skinny owner collected a dozen of just-give-up looks from the steroid junkies training in this muscle factory. One of the barbell warriors there looked like he belonged to the jungle and was explicitly precise in his disgust. His body language said it all: He was fire whereas the weaklings in the gym were paper.
Finally, we arrived at the desk. As it normally happens, the girl went from a solid 8 down to a not so solid 6, but once again my owner was too stupid to register the details. In his eyes, she had transformed into an 8.5 because he could sense her pawn shop approved parfum. How did I end up in this guy’s skull? I honestly don’t know.
”How much for one workout,” he asked.
”20 bucks, but we are closing in 30 minutes… holidays,” she replied.
”Should I go for it? I can do a lot in 30 minutes,” he asked me.
At this moment, I started hitting the No command like a repetitive drum beat, hoping that this selfish bastard would finally stop being so ridiculously stupid and listen to me instead of his pointless infected ego. 20 bucks for a few sets of hamstring curls was a rather bad deal, which only a gym slave could make.
”Ok. Here’s your money,” my owner said under the influence of the slut’s artificial smile.
This is when I understood that many natural bodybuilders belittle themselves by trying to follow the made-up orders of fitness magazines and lying muscle gurus. Only when you are not afraid to skip workouts, you can become huge. Otherwise, you are just a slave to your muscles.
Step 2: Take less protein than your grandmother
One of the biggest lies ever told in the world of muscle is that you need buckets of protein to get bigger. The mother of the protein myth is the muscle mafia behind the first supplement companies. The motherfuckers from the muscle industry were no longer content with selling barbells filled with sand, and mass building guides revealing the power of the push-up to the braindead zombies. They knew creating a perpetual muscle printer was going to require a transcendent business plan. This is when the idea to sell protein powder and other supplements infested with industrial waste was born. A barbell can last a lifetime, whereas magic dust has to be bought month after month until the big wheel stops.
This marketing tactic resulted in the creation of a nation of young people suffering from severe protein OCD. There are individuals who feel dickless when they haven’t taken a protein dose in the last six hours. They are scared that their muscles will evaporate into the atmosphere without constant flow of amino acids. If you are one of them, you will remain a small natty bodybuilder forever. Actually, you are not even a bodybuilder. You are a powder addict.
I challenge you to take less protein than your grandmother for a month, and see how much muscle mass you lose. You will feel bigger and stronger because your protein OCD will be cured. Can you handle the gains?
Step 3: Don’t beg
Many big unnatural bodybuilders and other representatives of the muscle industry with heavily inflated balloon like egos behave as Ice Queens. They treat ordinary people like ill-fated, luckless insects in human bodies. They want you to beg for precious training advice and love to hear phrases such as:
”Sir, I don’t want to waste your time with noob questions, but I was wondering if you can show me properly done biceps curls?”
”You are my hero. Can I take a picture with you? I’ll pay you 20 dollars, sir.”
”When I was a kid a had a poster of you in my room, sir?”
”Mr. Heath, can I take a picture with you? You and your sneakers are my biggest inspiration.”
Don’t beg those idiots for anything. They are the ones that should be using ”sir” when talking to you. Those are the motherfuckers supporting the perpetual myths in the muscle industry, and yet they want to make you feel inferior and implore their priceless advice. If you want to get bigger as natural, you need to get rid of the beggar fanboy mentality.
Step 4: Don’t be a buyer. Be a doer.
The system loves its buyers as proven by the incredible amount of product reviews on the Internet in which people over-analyze various gadgets and bitch about improperly shaped buttons and poor customer support. Nowadays it’s not important what you do with what you own. The only thing that matters is having the ”best”.
The buyer mindset is also found in the world of lifting weights as revealed by the large amount of lifters who identify themselves with the exercises they do. Sorry, but you are you, neither a deadlift nor a squat. Exercise selection is secondary. The big natural bodybuilders of this world know that. The small, indoctrinated and insecure ones don’t. They are always looking for someone to tell them what to do and how. If you want to remain small, just keep on torturing your head with moronic questions such as dumbbell curls vs. hammer curls. Big natural bodybuilders don’t have time nor energy to think about similar dilemmas. They just train and progress.
Step 5: Become Bigger Than ***Do You Even Lift***
A few years back, I was convinced that the best answer to ”Do you even lift, bro?” is a solid ”Fuck you.” Today, I know this would be the response of a small, immature natural bodybuilder susceptible to heavy trolling. If you want to join the club of big natties, you have to become bigger and wiser than Do You Even Lift. You have to outgrow the mentally deficient zombies. Can you do it?
BONUS: THE SHORTCUT
The above steps are hard to implement and many of you will request a shortcut.
Luckily, I have one.
Here it is:
Don’t wait for the street lights to turn on, buy a flashlight.