BUSTED: My Mom Thought My Protein Powders Were Steroids

The headache was strong and persistent. There was a little voice inside of me constantly repeating the phrase: “Disregard all. Acquire muscles”. I was trying to make it go away, but it was always coming back like a boomerang.

This was not the first time this was happening, but that day I could tell it was serious. You can only postpone some things so much. At one point so many rejections accumulate that the barricade is broken.

I was tired of playing around. The decision was final: I was going to buy protein powder – the expensive kind with muscle men on the label, not some fake soy based garbage loaded with enough estrogen to make you feel guilty for the thousands of insects you kill walking outside.

There was a big supplement store located in the heart of my town. It’s still there actually. I used to like the place. It appeared to be complete – big muscles painted on the windows and tons of products. I was convinced that if there is a fountain of muscle, it was probably there, or at least they had a pretty decent replica.

I entered the store and felt like a criminal. What was I doing? A skinny boy buying supplements? My posture went to hell. I looked like a camel.

I was unsure whether I had the right to do things like that, but I guess the thirst for bigger muscles was stronger than my fear and guilt. I was already in. There was not turning back.

I was like “Quasimodo is the house, motherfuckers! I’m ready to get swoll!”

The consultant was a bald muscular guy with glasses. I thought he was stupid. I guess he sensed my characterization because he immediately gave me the what is this prison bitch face moron doing here look.

Since money is money whether it comes from an 18 or 10 inch arm, he suppressed his emotions and used the corporate “Hello! What are you looking for, sir?”

“I need a natural supplement. Just protein powder. No dirty products,” I said while avoiding eye contact.

The guy came back with a bottle of protein powder entitled “Eggs and Milk.”

“This is one of our finest and it’s very natural. Look,” the bald guy said and pointed towards the inscription “Eggs and Milk”.

I felt weird. Why was he trying to convince me that the natural form of eggs and milk is dust.

Anyway, I was way too nervous and wanted to end this torture as fast as possible. I had no choice but to suspend this cerebration.

I bought the damn thing despite the high price. It was my own money earned fair and square. I had the right to spend it anyway I want, right? I took the dust box and once I was outside the store I put it into my backpack. I didn’t want people to give me weird looks. Walking around with a muscle elixir in my arms was making me feel uncomfortable.

A few short minutes later I was already feeling more confident.

I stopped at a fast food restaurant nearby for a bite. I was looking at the people around me and felt sorry for their unmuscular low life existence. I was going to soon separate from the group of weaklings. I had the cure.

Walking around with a hidden anabolic bomb in my backpack made me feel like an alpha lion running in the wild. I was no longer one of those beta males who hold the hand of their cheating girlfriend while she is giving birth to the teletubbies of another man.

I arrived home in about an hour, threw my jacked away and opened the muscle magic box. The odor was new to me. I asked myself: “Is this the smell of muscles?” I sure hoped so.

I put a healthy dose of the powder in a fruit juice and consumed my protein cocktail. Then I carefully put the box in a safe place and called it a day.

The next morning began as any other one, but things were about to change.

I was completely unprepared for what was about to happen. It’s always like that – the craziest scenarios hit you when your guard is down. This unchangeable life law explains why some people develop negative thoughts OCD and always think the worse.

The idea is that imagining something bad immediately limits the possibility for the event to take place, because the element of surprise is removed. Nice try, but the effectiveness of this method is not that high. Why? Because even one second with your eyes closed is enough for nature to load this script into your bio computer and run it without mercy. It was one of those days for me.

I was working on my desk when suddenly the door of my room opened violently. I felt like one of those guys who get caught with their pants on the ground during police raids, expect that this was worse – a home raid.

My mother was standing at the door holding my protein powder box.

“Do you know the amount of garbage those supplements contain? They talked about this on TV yesterday,” said my mother.

I was stupefied. I was no longer a wild lion. I detransformed into a little bitch.

It turned out that yesterday on some stupid talk show people were talking about steroids and doping in general. Since my mother is uneducated on the subject, she thought I was doping too.

“What are you talking about? It’s perfectly natural – eggs and milk,” I replied.

She took the bottle and hid it. The next few days I looked for my magic dust everywhere. I wanted my muscle men in double biceps pose back. I needed his help, but he was gone for good.

I never saw him again.

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