This story took place a long time ago when I was still a naive rookie eager to discover the mystery of skeletal muscle hypertrophy.
Summertime was just beginning and I had a 2-month break from school ahead of me. Sounds good, but it wasn’t really the case. I was at that age when the summer is more of a drag rather than a blessing. This is what happens when you are broke and clueless.
So, what do I do? I started looking for a summer job online.
I didn’t have any qualifications, other than my diploma from the University of Skinny Fat and the only job I was able to find was not exactly high-end. I applied for a mailman/spammer position. It was fairly simple: you just put brochures full of advertisement in people’s mailboxes.
In brief, you get paid to walk around the city. What’s not to like, right?
Surprisingly or not, they called my pretty fast. I got the address of the firm and went for a hearing a few days later. I didn’t know what to expect since this was one of my first job interviews ever. I had almost no previous experience with similar communication.
I arrived at the correct address, but there was no office to be seen. The only thing I was able to detect was an old apartment building from the 70s. I checked the area and a few blocks nearby only to return at the same place.
This time there was a man smoking on the lowest balcony.
“Is this the right address. I am here for the mailman position,” I asked.
“Sure. Go to the door and hit the bell. They will meet you there,” replied the man.
His whole aura was full of what I now call submission to society’s nonsense. This term is used to describe people who have lost all their inner spark and ambition to be anything other than a cogwheel part of the ungrateful system, which is based on one cruel principle – the rich should get richer at all costs, while the poor must stay miserable and dumb. The amount of oppression in this guy’s voice and appearance was almost enough to crush my soul. However, I was young and didn’t want to disappoint my family, so I decided to dive in despite the signs.
The office of this so-called firm was just a low level apartment on the first floor. As far as I recall there were two women and one man. The man was the manager and he started talking about the job which was not very complicated – you take a bunch of brochures and spam the hell out of a neighborhood. The guy was one of those “I have the looks to be a movie star, but I was born in the wrong country” kinda of guy. There was an insane amount of despair in his body language and scourge induced suffering on his face.
Also, he had one of those slap magnet faces because he just sounded too fake. Every time I think about this guy I just want to hit his face really hard.
“So, when can I start,” I asked without fear.
At this point I felt that spending anymore time in that depression room was way more harmful than anything else.
“You can start today, if you want,” replied the man while the rest of the people who were also there for an interview looked at me like I was crazy.
The manager gave me about 7,000 brochures the size of a small notebook. I loaded the spam ammo in my backpack and hit the road. I even managed to strain my lower back a little because I didn’t know how to lift with proper form at the time, and the bag was heavy.
As expected those numskulls sent me in a neighborhood I didn’t know at all. I had to take an unknown to me bus and get off at the very last stop. I had to pay for the bus with my own money.
The remote mystical location was definitely a problem, but I had to deal with another more important issue beforehand – the war against catabolic processes.
At the time I was already brainwashing myself with mainstream websites and forums about muscle building. I knew there was nothing more important than having a steady source of protein the whole day. To cover my needs I brought a small homemade anabolichalo cocktail consisting of milk and honey mixed in an old 250 ml juice bottle. I put some serious prayers into this mixture. I really hoped that it was going to protect my massive musculature. I was 6′ tall and 135 lbs at the time.
I had to walk about 25 minutes to find the bus station, but my mission was somewhat rewarded. On the way I saw the finest set of mammary glands ever. To make the story short and avoid being too cynical, I passed by a woman which was one of those sluts that make all males around lose their thoughts despite having low intellectual scent. In case you are wondering I don’t recall explicit details, but I remember that there were two dudes loading their bodies with junk food who lost their minds for good.
Anyway, the whole journey took me about one hour and a half. I was at the place at noun, ready to spam.
The plan was to cover the whole area and spread 7,000 brochures in three days. This meant around 2,500 units a day. At the beginning it was going great because I still had decent amount of energy thanks to my anabolic formula.
I was feeling quite lucky to have this job. I was getting paid about 2 dollars per 1000 brochures which was already more than what my parents were giving me for school everyday.
“I must be moving up in the word,” I thought after the first 200 brochures.
A few hours of non-stop door to door walking later, I started developing some serious hatred towards the world. People were not particularly nice to me. It turned out they don’t like spam in their mailboxes. The elders were the meanest of all.
“Do you know what I want to do with guys like you putting junk in my mailbox,” said one of the ancient bitches I met.
“I want to take all your paper and put it in your mouth till you choke,” she said.
“Who do you think will be paying your pension in the future, communist witch” I said very silently to myself.
By 8 p.m. I have distributed about 2,343 brochures and decided to go home. It took me about 2 hours to get back because I had to cross the whole neighborhood one more time to get to the bus station.
It was pretty safe to assume that this was one really, really catabolic day for me. I hated every living cell around me at this point. Everything. I wanted to set the whole world on fire. I felt exploited, but the biggest problem was that this job was eating my muscles, and I had to endure two more days of this torture. A nice week-end consisting of 22 hours non-stop walking was coming ahead. I had to prepare accordingly.
I logged online and asked my personal oracle google how to prevent catabolic processes. I learned about the so-called anabolic window and the importance of feeding your body with nutrients straight after exercise.
Since it was already late night and all stores were closed, I had no choice but to prepare more of my homemade anabolic madness. I mixed 3 bottles with milk and honey. The plan was simple: one bottle before work and the other two no longer than 30 minutes after all the walking is done.
I really wanted to hit my anabolic window precisely and brought a compact old alarm clock in my backpack. In case you’re wondering at the time I didn’t have a cell phone. This happened a few years before babies started receiving personal phones after only 6 months of horizontal existence.
Those two days were torture, but I got the job done and covered the whole area. I used the bottles exactly as planned. This put my mind at ease.
My total paycheck was 14 dollars, which was not bad for 3 days of work. I did about 2 more campaigns over the next two months and collected about 40 dollars. Guess what I did with the money? I bought my first adjustable dumbbell handle and 2 small plates for it. The whole thing totaled 5 kilos. I did some epic biceps curls with it, which left me sore for a week. I couldn’t extend my elbows during the first few days.
Without a doubt I will never forget this experience because this was the first time I learned about anabolic windows and doors. Looking back, I feel sorry for the naive kids who fall for the very same scare tactics supported by the supplement cartels.
The truth is that anabolic windows are not really as important as you may think. The body is not so fragile, and you are not going to lose your muscles if you miss a meal or two. That’s a fact and you can try it for yourself anytime you want. Postpone your post workout meal for a few hours and keep it that way for 3 months. Guess, what? You are still going to look exactly the same. No muscle mass loss.